I am a person of normal intelligence. Not too high, not too low. I am a person who believes in God and the power of this God who is our creator and the creator of all things that exist. For 850 days I have been seeking the answers on how to live out the remainder of my life which could be anywhere from zero to thirty years. I still do not have any firm answers but every single day I wake up, get out of bed and breathe for another day. Seeking. Searching. Watching. Waiting. Listening. Praying. Trying to hear just a whisper or see a tiny glimpse of what the divine plan is. So far there is nothing.
Luke 9:23 - Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.
Matthew 10:38 - Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me.
Matthew 16:24 - Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."
Mark 8:34 - Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."
Jesus repeatedly told his disciples and the people that denial is how we follow after him. When we put others before our own personal needs that is the way to be Christ like. When we say no to ourselves and say yes to others that is what Jesus is looking for in his people. Taking up the cross means that we are willing to be there for others before ourselves. No matter how Jesus was feeling on any given day he was there for the people. To heal them. To teach them. To guide them. To show them there is a better way to live life than grabbing each day for ourselves and putting everyone else second in line.
We are not all meant to be the Mother Teresa's of the world. Or the Billy Graham's. Or the Martin Luther's. When the Apostle Paul was teaching in Ephesians 4 how to be effective for the Lord he explained that each one of us are a part of the body of Christ, the Church, His bride, His love. Each one of us is different and here to play a different role in each day. We are not all mouth's. We are not all feet. We are not all the brain. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God but we are all entirely different. Ephesians 4 tells us of the gifts from God that are given out to each of us on an individual basis. It is up to each one of us to seek the Lord to find out what those gifts are and how we are supposed to be using them during our life on earth. Once we accept Jesus as our Lord He begins to mold us into the person He needs for the mission. Seeking, hearing, and knowing are all part of how we attain the wisdom and knowledge of God in our daily lives.
This is my third January without Jerry in my life. I have tried to learn about fasting this month and what it is like to deny myself certain things. One year I tried sugar and that didn't last. One year I tried carbohydrates which also did not last. This year I thought maybe I could give up food for the majority of the day but I only made it one day. I'm a mess when it comes to denial of self.
I am in the word of God daily. I seek Him daily. I talk to Him daily. I wonder what His plan is for me for the rest of my life. I wonder why I can never seem to follow through on seeking Him more earnestly and devoting an entire day to only Him for answers from Him for me. Am I afraid of what He might say? Am I afraid of what He might want me to do? Am I lazy and want to take the easy way? What is really happening to me and to my life at this ripe old age of 70?
I know I am not the only person seeking answers. I know I am not the only old believer who wants to know what these golden years hold for me. I know I am not the only mess who seeks Him. I know for a fact that I will not stop seeking answers for my life and how I can be there for those that I love so much. I will continue my daily search for answers because I know He has a plan for the rest of my life.
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."