Random Thoughts On “The Awful Truth About Being Old”

(Over the age of 60)

You have extra money but you don’t need anything.
You have extra money so the younger ones expect you to pay for everything.
You have extra money to buy gifts for others but rarely does someone say “Thank You” and sincerely appreciates the gift.
You have time to do more things but you don’t have the energy.
You have time to make your home, the yard, and flower gardens beautiful but you do not have the energy.
You have time to keep your house clean but you do not have the energy.
You have time to see your kids, grandkids, and family but they don’t have time for you.
You have time to see your family but they live too far away and making the trip is a huge effort that the younger ones do not understand.
You have time to spend with friends but they have all moved away, are no longer your friend or have died.
You have lived long enough to gather some really profound wisdom but no one wants to hear it.
You would really like to engage in meaningful conversations but no one wants to have a meaningful conversation.
Younger people honestly think “old people should be seen and not heard”.
Sometimes you feel like you are just hanging around, waiting to die.
No one will remember you in 100 years from now and you know it.

2016 - Feeling low in the new year

Written in 2016 and not posted until 2017 -

It gets harder and harder to put into words what I am feeling.  As this new year rolls in and I realize it is the year 2016, I can't seem to find a feeling that puts it into perspective for me. 

It seems that for the past 6 months or maybe longer I have found it harder and harder to grasp what I am feeling towards life.  I know that I am on the downhill side of life and that it is just a matter of a couple to several decades before I am out of this world.  I am not afraid of death but I really don't want to live another 20 to 30 years without getting a handle on the emotional side of my life.

I sometimes feel like I am just waiting for the proverbial "shoe" to drop.  

My husband will be 75 years old this year.  I have known for a long, long time that he is not healthy but now I am looking at his age AND his health.  We have been married for 33 years this year and the past 10 years have been without intimacy because of his physical and health problems.  I have had to come to the realization that we will never again have a physical relationship and now it seems those first 23 years were based mainly on physical contact.  We barely speak to each other now.  There is no conversation.  He was never a conversationalist but now there are 2 or 3 words sentences between the 2 of us. We are polite and kind to each other.  We love each other but we are no longer in love.  He is retired and honestly has no hobbies.  He tries to keep up with the outdoor chores of the lawn and cutting firewood.  I still have to work full time to keep our health benefits going.  He has an annual prescription drug bill of around $50,000 which my group policy keeps down to a couple of thousand.  Though I am thankfully not a sickly person, I still need health insurance just in case.  There is no way to change the way things are in our marriage now so I guess I am still trying to figure out how to get through all of this, without developing any bitterness or hard feelings.  Today, I cannot honestly say I do not have both of those feelings.  But tomorrow will be another day that I will try to keep a positive attitude about our marriage.  

I have a big, beautiful home that I can no longer take care of in the way I would like to.  I cannot sweep, mop or dust fast enough to keep up with the dirt.  The house gets a cleaning only when company is coming.  I have let the flower beds go back to nature for the most part.  The piles of "stuff" just keep getting bigger with no energy to do anything with all the "stuff."  After working all week the last thing I want to do is work all weekend long on the house, so I don't.  When you don't work on the housework all the time, some of it gets backed up.  That would be what has happened with the "stuff."  Year after year a person accumulates things.  We have not moved for 26 years.  Do you know how much stuff can pile up in 26 years?  A LOT!! My kids just look at the stuff when they come to visit and I can see their eyes rolling and almost hear the thoughts.  "We are going to have to clear out all of this when they go!" Being honest again, it would take a year to go through the house, garage, shop, and barn if we did have to move.  I like to think of downsizing but when I think of all the work that it would take to move, it's easier to just NOT think of it.

We live 150 miles from my closest child and his family.  We live 1700 miles from my daughter and her family.  We are a blended family of his and mine, but his kids are mainly out of touch with us. My children were very young when we got married and his were already out on their own.  His daughter and all of her children live in Texas.  His son has not been in contact with him for 20 years.  Because I still work we can only take vacations a couple of times a year and now we are getting to the age that even traveling is not that easy.  Last time we traveled to see my daughter he ended up in the emergency room.  Having all of his medical problems looming in the background makes it hard to think about travel.

Once a month my son and his family try to come visit us for a weekend or we try to get to them.  So 2 to 3 days a month I usually get to see family, otherwise, there is no family here where we live.  I have 6 grandchildren that I love and adore but am not able to be a part of their lives.  Instead, I sit in this big house, unable to take care of it because I am getting too old, living with a man I am married to but have no relationship with, neither physically or emotionally, and work outside the home 35 hours a week, minimal, because we need health insurance.

I cannot be the only woman in the world feeling blue in the new year.  I usually am not a "pitty party" type of person but I know I am in a slump and can't seem to find any answers.  I have friends and they would listen but they all have tons of things going on in their lives.  I don't want to burden them with my petty issues.  I have faith that God can do all things but there are no resolutions to any of these "issues" that I would ask Him to take care of.  The answers would be too scary right now.

I am at a turning point in my life where I will have to ask the hard questions and be ready for the answers.  But not today.  I have a little bit of "wait" left in me. 

I Apologize For My Unkind Words

I Apologize For My Unkind Words

Debra Kay Reeves – May 21, 2017

 

 

I am sure there are a lot of people I need to apologize to for my outspoken opinion on many different topics.  I am not sure if the reason for my outbursts and grand-standing is because of my German, English, Dutch, Irish roots or because of being descended from pioneers.  Anyway, I apologize.

 

My great-great-great grandparents, Milton and Christiana Brown, came to Oregon before it was a state.  They brought along their 5 children, one of which was my great-great grandmother, Suzanna Brown.  Milton and Christiana each received donation land claims in 1849 near Oregon City.   About 10 years or so later they had moved to southern Oregon, near Klamath Falls.  Then they settled in Summer Lake Valley.  I loved finding photos and a bit of their history in a book called, “Settlers of Summer Lake Valley”.  My own personal thought is that it got too populated in the Oregon City, Portland area so grandpa said, “Pack Up. We’re moving.”  Pioneer, on the move again.

 

Pioneers were hearty people who looked for better for themselves and their family.  They were compassionate and honest.  They were dependable and reliable.  Their word was their bond.  They worked hard and played hard.  They suffered terrible ordeals and they celebrated joyous occasions.  They worked the ground until their hands bled.  They died young.  Most were never wealthy, but many had enough to live.

 

It took a special kind of person to uproot their entire family and move them hundreds of miles from family and a much easier life.  The east coast is still very populated with millions of people whose ancestors never left the comfort of their homes.  They emigrated and then they stayed planted.  Some did not, and those are the kind of people whose blood runs in my veins.

 

I have been alive over 6 decades now and honestly feel like I have lived a full and blessed life.  As a child I always had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and clothes to wear.  In fact I had plenty.  My father worked hard and made sure we were taken care of financially.  My mother stayed home and tended to the house and the children as women did in the 1950’s.  As we grew she had a part-time job but was always there to take us places and do things for us.  Dad did not partake of many things pertaining to children except spanking us when we got out of line.  He didn’t do the school program thing, or the sports thing, or the church thing.  Mom did all of that without him.  Like I said, he provided for the family financially and that was pretty much the extent of it.  This of course explains my personal search for a father figure or a man to complete me and be my soulmate.  That is another story, another time.

 

In having a good upbringing, despite the un-involvement of a father figure, I found the Lord at an early age.  I was always at Sunday school on Sunday mornings.  Mom had to fight us but she made us go.  It was the greatest sacrifice a mother would and can make for her children. 

 

Out of four of us children, two of us are born again Christians and know that Jesus Christ is exactly who he said he was and that his words are as true today as they were over 2,000 years ago.  Being Christian does not make us better than anyone else it just means we have chosen to accept the gifts Jesus offers.  Those gifts include things like love, forgiveness, kindness, generosity, peace, understanding, wisdom, knowledge, and so much more.  He told us to lay our troubles and burdens onto him and that he would ease our cares.  He does just that when you come to know him.  It’s all in the Word of God, the bible. 

 

Each of us has to ask him to reveal himself to us.  Each of us at one time or another was searching for something and we were not sure what.  Love, acceptance, friendship, kindness, wealth, power, self-satisfaction, whatever it was, you were looking.  Those of us who come to know Jesus know he is the only truth a person can find on earth and live a peaceable life.   You can search and search for earthly and human desires but you will never be satisfied.  In the end death will take you and you will still have nothing.  That is unless you chose to take that leap of faith and find Jesus.  It is really a very simple step to a life of peace. 

 

No, you will not be spared from trials, tribulation, and tears.   No, you will not be protected from all harm.  Bad things will still happen.  We still have to live on this earth with all the other human beings that do not want to make the choice for peace.  But you will be able to make it through the troubled times because of a peace that surpasses all understanding.  This is another one of those gifts I spoke about earlier.

 

Right now as we live in this troubled time and it seems like so many have lost their minds in America, we all need to remember, this too shall pass.  Many of us that have a peaceable life should always try to “reason in kindness” with those who are so agitated with so much and taking it out in violent, harmful, and vicious ways.  We should not lower ourselves to name calling and judgmental remarks.   We don’t have to be silent but we can be kind.  I am going to really, really try to do better in this area.  In fact, I have been hitting the backspace bar and delete button far more in the past few weeks than I have for the past 2 years.  God is working on me still. Hallelujah!

 

Sorry if I offended you with my words in the past.  I apologize and ask for forgiveness.

 

The Simple Truth About the Crusades

The topic of the crusades is one of the most frequent criticisms of the Christian faith. Today, Islamic terrorists claim that the terror attacks are revenge for what Christians did in the crusades.

In my opinion, I do not believe the crusades should ever be called the "Christian crusades." The majority of the “Crusaders” were not Christians, though many claimed to be. The Name of Jesus Christ was used but the message Jesus taught was not used.  The Crusaders misused and abused the name of Christ, which shows in the historical actions of many of the crusaders.

The crusades should not be and are not relevant today. The crusades took place from approximately 1095 to 1230 A.D. That was almost 1000 years ago. The unbiblical and un-Christ-like conduct and actions of supposed believers 1000 years ago should still be held against Christians today?  I think not!

Lastly, and not an adequate excuse, is that Christianity is not the only religion with a violent past. In reality and historically proven, the crusades were in response to Muslim invasions of what was once land occupied primarily by Christians and Jews.

Approximately 200 years after Jesus’ death and resurrection, to approximately 900 A.D., the land of Israel, Jordan, Egypt, Syria, Turkey, etc. was inhabited primarily by Christians and Jews. Once Islam began to spread and become powerful around 700 A.D., Muslims invaded these lands and brutally oppressed, enslaved, deported, and even murdered the Christians living in those lands. In response, the Roman Catholic Church and so-called "Christian" kings and emperors from Europe ordered the crusades to reclaim the land the Muslims had taken. The actions that many so-called Christians took in the crusades were still deplorable. There is no justification for conquering lands, murdering civilians, and destroying cities in the Name of Jesus Christ or for that matter, in the name of any god. Islam is not a religion that can speak from a position of innocence when it comes to crusade type actions.

In brief summary, the crusades were attempts by "Christians" for almost 200 years (10th through 12th centuries A.D.) to reclaim land in the Middle East that had been conquered by Muslims and Arabs. The crusades of that time were brutal and evil. In the Holy Lands (areas surrounding Israel) the Muslims and the Jews were destroyed by crusaders.  Many of the people were forced to "convert" to Christianity.  If they refused, they were put to death, much like the Islamic terror of today.  This is blatantly unbiblical, which goes against all that Jesus taught. The idea of conquering a land through killing, rape, plunder, war and violence in the Name of Christ is completely unbiblical. The crusades may have been done by so-called Christians, but many of the actions that took place in the crusades were completely against everything the true Christian faith stands for.  True Christians today would be the first to denounce the crusades as anything of Christ or affiliated with true Christianity.

Crusades in the name of Jesus Christ ended almost 1000 years ago. Crusades in the name of Allah, the god of Islam are still being perpetrated on the entire world today. Christianity saw the error of its ways and turned back to Jesus Christ and his teachings of love, peace, salvation, forgiveness, and mercy.

So as a follower of Jesus Christ, how can we respond to those who attack Christianity using the historical crusades against us?
Ask them the following:

Should all be held accountable for the actions of any group of people who lived almost 1000 years ago?

Should all be held accountable for the words and actions of others who claims to represent and believe in the same faith you hold?

Pacific NW Wildfires from a Mom's Perspective

There are many fires burning in the Pacific NW this year.  It seems to me like more than in previous years.  The states of Oregon, Washington, and Idaho have a lot of forest land.  We grow trees and brush really well.  We have and will continue to have wildfires created by nature or humans.  There is no way around this.  Nature does what it wants without a human touch.  Humans will continue to make mistakes creating a mess for others.

My only son works for Washington State Department of Natural Resources (DNR).  He is a forest engineer.  He is fighting wildfires today and has been out in the fires off and on for the past couple of months.  He has had very little rest as the fires just continue to increase as we just get into the really dry season of our area.  DNR has all of their manpower out fighting fires.  They have called in more resources from international firefighters to volunteers.  They need even more help!

Today as the smoke fills the Oregon Valley that I live in I think about my son out there on the front-line of the fire he is working on in Washington.  Last night on the phone we joked about the soot in his lungs he was coughing up.  It really is no joke.  He is there, trying to stop a fire from burning the forest and reaching homes.  There are over 5,000 firefighters working in Washington, over 3,000 in Oregon and there are thousands more fighting fires in Idaho, Montana, California and Alaska. Estimates are 19,000 right now fighting fires.  It's not enough!

There are thousands of us mother's praying for the safety of our sons.  There are a some who are mourning their loss.  This breaks my heart and my prayers of comfort are around their shoulders.

My son's wife and 2 children are holding down the home-front.  They are trying to be brave.  They know how dangerous firefighting is.  All of us know this.  

I have a very firm belief in God Our Creator.  I know in my spirit and my soul that the Hand of The Father is upon our lives from conception till last breath.  My hope and trust is in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior.  Many others do not believe like me.  Where to they pull strength and hope from? How do they sleep at night knowing their sons are out there on the front lines of these burning infernos?  My prayers go out to all who have sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, relatives and friends out there, unselfishly fighting a forest fire.  

We all remember the attacks on 9/11 and how the nation pulled together to make sure the families of the fallen, whether they were firefighters, police, people in the buildings, armed forces, and all involved in and with the attacks, were taken care of and helped through the horrendous ordeal and aftermath.  

In my mind this same kind of thing is happening now in the West Coast states.  We are under attack!  All in the nation should be pulling together to make sure everything possible is being done to protect us and help us.  Everyone should be sending a donation through the Red Cross, Salvation Army, and any other viable charitable organization that is helping wildfire assistance.  Everyone who is able, who has an expertise that can assist, should be volunteering.  

Homes have been burned, lives have been lost, property has been devastated.  Please don't just sit there, do something.  Please help us!  Please help my son!  Please don't leave us here to burn!  We came to help you when the hurricanes hit.  We came to help you when the tornadoes devastated your city.  We came to help you when your city was in a riot.  We came and helped you when a gunman killed your children.  

We need you to help us now.

Mediocre Me

The last time I wrote I was sick.  I am sick again.  No doubt from the sickness earlier in the month. Acute viral sinusitis has moved down into my lungs creating a tiresome dry cough that is now into it's fifth day.  I am tired, grumpy, and fatigued.  I am missing more work which places a burden on my coworkers.  I hate letting everyone down.

Why would a person feel guilty for being sick?  There was nothing I could have done to have prevented getting the cold in the first place.  I eat pretty good.  I rest pretty good.  I sometimes take my vitamins.  I have always been a "kind of" and "sort of" type of person.  I have never done anything to the extreme and have always been more mediocre.

Mediocre:  ordinary, average, middling, middle-of-the-road, uninspired, undistinguished, indifferent, unexceptional, unexciting, unremarkable, run-of-the-mill, pedestrian, prosaic, lackluster, forgettable, amateur, amateurish.

It a sad day when you have to admit to yourself you are nothing exceptional.  You are a lot "un" for the most part.

Being sick just brings our humanity and frailty to the top of the pile.  Being sick really makes a person think about life and afterlife.  Being sick brings us to our knees if we are God-fearing.  If a person is not God-fearing being sick must be a real nuisance for them.

I had a friend pass away last month at the age of 62.  He was healthy for the most part, or so he thought.  But a lung and heart disease took his life at an early age.  He got sick in the winter and died in the spring.  We never know when the day to die is upon us.

I had 3 weeks in-between my two bouts with sickness and felt normal.  I am praying my health returns and I will really try to take better care of myself now that I am older.  Notice I put the word "try" in there.  I always try.  I just do not always do it.  That would be mediocre me.

The Future Is Scary When You Get Old

I have been battling a terrible head and chest cold for 5 days now and am an emotional (and physical) wreck.  Nothing is getting done in my house.  I haven’t eaten a good meal in 5 days.  I am tired of coughing, wheezing, and blowing my nose.  I am whining and crying and I don’t care if I am having a pity party for me.  I hate being sick which is probably why the Good Lord has kept me healthy most of my life.

This is not so for my poor husband. He has battled Rheumatoid Arthritis for more than 40 years and it, along with all the drugs he takes, has pummeled his once hearty body.  We don’t talk much about it but I am sure it is very hard for him to remember being the basketball and football jock he was in high school and then the strong, always hardworking man he was for 35 years in a sawmill.

When both of us are not feeling well it is a sad home front.

I am 61 years old and still working.  He is 74 and has been retired for 8 years.  We have been living in our home we built, for over 25 years ago.  It is a 2200 square foot, 2 story home on 2 acres.  We both know we cannot stay here much longer.  We have no family here to help us.  The closest family lives hours away and the farthest lives a plane ride away.  We have no one here to help us so we know the time is coming when we will have to downsize.  We will have to move.

When a person lives in the same place for decades the stuff piles up.  The thought of going through everything is enough to make me sicker.  I have no idea where to start.  Which closest?  Which of the 4 bedrooms?  The garage or the detached 2 car shop?  The little barn?   Oh, heavens, I am a mess just thinking about this.

I know I have to work at my job for another 4 ½ years so I have that amount of time to get this show on the road.  That is if nothing major happens to either one of us.  If there is a major catastrophe then the plans will have to change faster than presumed.

Getting old is really a tough thing.  Not only is it a physical inconvenience but it is an emotional inconvenience.  We don’t want to burden our family.  Our children are busy, busy, busy. Our closest grandchildren are not old enough to help.  Anything we do will have to be hired out when we are no longer able to do anything for ourselves.  All we will be able to do is get dressed, eat and sleep.  The yard maintenance will need to be hired out.  The grocery shopping will need to be hired out.  Cooking might even need to be hired out.  Finances will need to be hired out.

I did find there are companies gearing up for us baby-boomers that are falling apart.  That is good news.  Help is out there if you have enough money to pay for it.  They will come in, access the situation, and tell you what they can do.  There are retirement communities that offer small homes or apartments with little to no maintenance.  For a fee you can get anything taken care of.  I wonder what the poor, old people do in a situation like this.  They have no extra money.  I should probably stop whining and feeling sorry for myself when others have far less in life and life choices.

I hope I feel better soon so I do not have to think about this daunting task that is coming up in my life in the next few years.  Today, I am a wreck, thinking about it.

LIFE IS REALLY HARD SOMETIMES, BUT YOU ALL KNOW THAT!!

I wrote a letter to a friend of mine tonight and thought I would share it with the world.  I know that everyone struggles with many different things all their life.  Some people struggle every day, every year, all the time.  My heart breaks for those who have this kind of life.  No wonder there is hopelessness in the world.  No wonder so many just plain quit.  They give up.  They cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel.  It's a dark, dark world and they do not want to live in it.  Or if they do stay and live in it they want to be an numb as possible.  I get this.  I have felt this way in my life...before I knew the Lord.  Before I found hope, truth, love, forgiveness, peace, and the ability to comprehend what it means to be "Filled With The Spirit of God!"  Since then, I have never been the same.  I have never given up even when my mind said, "Give it up!"  My spirit and the Holy Spirit told me to hang on!  I would encourage you to start by searching out the meaning of the word HOPE!  Never give up hope that things can change, people can change, circumstances can change.  It only take faith the size of a mustard seed (which is one of the smallest seeds on earth) to move a mountain. 

Here is my letter to my friend:

I just wanted to tell you how much I love and respect you.  After ready this blog entry I felt I had to write and tell you that we all have those times we feel "less than", or "not loved", or "why me?", or "this is just BS".  I have struggled through the following trial for months and months now and cannot find a way to forgive...yet.  

Jerry and I just got done with one of the biggest battles we have had in our 32 years of marriage.  We have had legal issues with our next door neighbor who is a crazy person, but sane enough to falsely accuse Jerry of some terrible things and make the court believe her lies.  Yesterday he had to plead guilty to disorderly conduct in order to get the "crime" reduced to a violation.  He stopped her 19 year old daughter's vehicle in front of our house when she tried to run over him as he was mowing the lawn by the private road we share.  Oh, it's a long story and all of the details are not that important.  This happened last August and we just now finished up with the DA's charge.  The initial charge of "stalking" was dismissed with prejudice, so she cannot do this to Jerry again.  We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on legal fees, surveillance equipment, and have had to live right next door to this woman and her adult children who have caused us more grief than almost anyone in our entire lives ever has.  All the time asking God, "What are we supposed to be learning from this? Why would you allow Jerry to be falsely accused of terrible things?" 

For 8 months I have been telling myself, "What doesn't kill me, will only strengthen me."  I don't feel strong.  I feel beat up and I did not do anything.  The stress has taken a toll on our marriage.  I don't want to live in my home any longer.  I don't want to live next door to a real life witch (you can but a big B in front of that word too).  I don't want to forgive her for being a psychotic narcissist.  I am mad that God allowed her lies to be heard and believed by the sheriff, the DA, and the court.  I am not mad at God, just mad that he did not protect Jerry and me from the evil neighbor!

I guess I mainly wanted you to hear my little story to let you know, you and Darin have always been in our thoughts, our hearts, and our prayers.  You have walked a path which seemed to lead to no where.  You felt betrayed and abandoned.  But I know that both you and Darin know, just like Jerry and I know...He never leaves us.  He never forsakes us.  He is always at our side.  He is always working it out for the best.  The evil one tries, but he cannot kill us.  Our lives are in the hands of the One True God who is faithful and just.   We are survivors and so-journers, just passing through this land.  We know we can curl up in the arms of our Father and He will console us and provide for us.  He will take care of us and He does. Time and time again.

But in the meantime, we live as human beings, next to a bunch of other human beings, some of whom are much, much more screwed up than we are.  Jerry and I physically live in the presence of our enemies, right over the fence.  Now I just have to find the will power and ability to forgive and move on.

It is very hard this time.  But this too will pass.  It just seems like it is taking a long, long time.

My love and prayers always and hugs to Darin and the girls!

P.S. If you do not want this comment (uh...lengthy rambling) on here feel free to delete it.  I wanted you to know that right now I am right where you were when you wrote this blog.  I got no ego left!  I am just plain tired of it all. 

No More Clintons

Giving Away Money Is Awesome!

I have spent the majority of the day reading through scholarship applications from upcoming graduates of our local high school.  Tomorrow morning a group of us will meet and go over our ranking and prepare to give $2,500 to six different people.

I have been a part of this organization for almost 25 years.  The first year we gave one $500 scholarship to one young man.  Through the charitable donations of many people we are now giving away $15,000 a year!  Incredible!  And we still have money in the bank for the next round.

This year is the first year we will be giving $2,500 to a post-graduate.  Anyone out of school (having graduated from THS) for 1 year or more is eligible to apply.  We have two applicants for the post-graduat scholarship, a 39 year old and a 24 year old.

If by chance someone reads this and would like more information we have a web page at:

http://www.ths-asf.yolasite.com/

and a Facebook page at:

https://www.facebook.com/THSalumnischolarshipfund?ref=bookmarks

We are always looking for those who wish to contribute to the future of those looking to educate themselves!

I love giving money away to the deserving people who go out and do more for themselves and our world!!