In The Stillness

This morning during my scripture reading the Lord was leading me to all of His words about being still.  Listening and watching for Him requires stillness on our part in order to hear Him and see Him. 

 

Now that I am retired and I no longer have my husband with me I am afforded this luxury of being still.  A young mother with two little ones only gets this quiet time in rare instances.  A full time working woman is focused on getting her job done and hardly ever has a moment of stillness especially if her family awaits her when she goes home.  A business owner is so busy earning their livelihood and keeping their employees employed they never have much time for themselves let alone stillness.  Today life is so busy very few can find a still time once a week let alone once a day to listen and watch for the Lord.

 

There are many scriptures that speak of being still before the Lord.

 

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Exodus 14:14

 

Now then, stand still and see this great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes!

1 Samuel 12:16

 

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Psalms 46:10

Dreams

Yesterday was the six month anniversary of Jerry's death.  It weighed on me all day that 1/2 of a year had passed and I still don't feel ready to do much of anything but read, be quiet, be still, stay home.  I still do not want to be around others and try to put on a happy face and act like a normal person.  I am no where near normal and honestly feel like there will never be the "old" me here again.  Fact is, I have no idea who I am now that I am not Jerry's wife.

Part of me is gone and missing forever, at least here on earth.  I read that a person who loses a limb still feels that limb.  My leg is missing.  Half of my heart is missing.  The one I was once so passionate about is missing. The person of my dreams is missing.  Our marriage had survived numerous trials and now the trials of marriage are over.  I am once again single, which I have not been for 60 years.  My first child came to me at age 19 along with my first husband.  Then there was the next child and the next husband.  I always had someone to care for and live with for 60 years and now that has ended.  I have to learn how to do this, live alone.

There is no doubt that the Lord is with me and right at my side encouraging me on each day.  I do get out of bed in the morning.  I do eat during the day.  I do clean my house and do my laundry.  I do get outside in the yard when the weather allows.  I do go through the motions of the day.  Every day I seek that Lord and let him guide my quiet day.  I know he reminds me that this will take some time to heal and not to rush anything.  He assures me that I am doing okay and my fears and tears are his to carry as long as I let him.   Honestly, there are some days I want to feel them.  I want to hold them and carry them because I want to be mad and upset that this old lady has to carry this alone.  I know it's not healthy to be mad at God for putting me in this valley.  It's not his fault.  I need someone to blame don't I?  I'm totally human.

For some reason yesterday I decided it was time to go through Jerry's files in a cupboard and clean it.  Little did I know it would take 3 hours and I'm only through one shelf.  Most were financial records, medical records, family history records and work related records.  But there were several notes and cards that he had held onto for decades.  The one that had me crying was a small little note he wrote me in 2006.  "You sure were a lot happier 23 years ago.  What happened?"  Of course I am not a woman of few words so I wrote him back a short book.  From the late 1990's into the 2000's we had several huge hurdles in our marriage.  But because of God's hand and our perseverance and endurance we managed to stay married.  It's another book about all we went through for that decade.  January 30, 2006 at age 65 Jerry was involved in a head on collision and his health was never the same after that and only continued to decline for the rest of his life.  He was not happy and I was not happy.  He was forced into retirement and I continued working full time.  We were apart more than we were together and any physical intimacy we had was removed.  Jerry was not a conversationalist and I was.  

Last night was the first time I actually dreamed about him and I did remember part of the dream.  Dena, Chris and I were the only people who could see him and talk to him and that upset him as there were many other people with us.  Everywhere we went he tired to get others to notice him and talk to him.  We tried to explain to these people that he was "right here" but they assured us we were crazy.  Dreams are hard to explain but even though we were frustrated we were thankful for being together.  There was some laughter, some tears, some anger from all of us but the love was apparent.  When I did actually wake up I thanked God for the dream.  Just seeing his face and talking to him in the dream was good.  It made him real again which I had not been able to see for the past six months.

Life can be such a strange walk.  You can have a decade of joy and then have a decade of sadness.  You can have a person in your life for 40 years or 40 days.  None of us ever know what tomorrow will bring.  God does though.  He is the one who knows every minute of every day for every one of us.  He is never surprised by any thing or any changes.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  We are not.  We change.  We are molded by the Master Potter if we allow him to create us into an image of him cracks and all.  

Who Is "US" In Scripture?

Three times in scripture the Lord God uses the phrase, "Us" when speaking about himself.  This usage is plural, meaning more than one person.

Genesis 1:26

God says "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth."

 

Then goes on in verse 27 to use the word "He", not us. This is plural but singular.

 

'So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. ' - Genesis 1:27.

 

In Genesis 11 we read the story of the Tower of Babel built by the notorious King Nimrod, who wanted to be a god in his own rights. He had led his people away from the God of his forefathers, Adam, Noah, and those who followed the One True God of the Universe and brought in the pagan worship of many gods.  But Yehovah Elohim decided to totally disrupt the plans of Nimrod.

 

Genesis 11:7

'Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech.

 

The people were no longer able to understand one another and they scatter across the lands just as the Lord God had told them to do when Noah and his family disembarked from the Ark. 

 

Then again in Isaiah God again refers to himself in the plural by asking Isaiah "who will go for us?".

 

Isaiah 6:8

'Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me. '

 

Three times in scripture God refers to himself in a plural form.  Many times in scripture he refers to himself in singular.  The plural form is where the God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit are working in unison for one reason or another.  They used the plural form in the creation of mankind, using the image of all three combined into one.  They used the plural form when they decided to scatter mankind across the face of the earth with different languages and ethnic traits.  They were in agreement that mankind was a problem when left to their own devices and needed to be split up into differing groups of people.  Too much power in the hands of mankind is not a good thing.  Mankind thinks up too much evil and pushes that evil into the hearts and minds of many others.  They used the plural form when speaking to mankind about the ways of Godliness and who could or would help them speak into the hearts and minds of mankind.  Who better to speak to and about God than a heart and mind that is aligned with Godliness?  When the Godhead uses a person to speak for them he wants all three images of God to be used.  God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit.  All three work in unison to speak love, kindness, comfort, wisdom, and all fruits of the Spirit in the person they are directing to others.  Each person of the Godhead, the Trinity of God, is important to the understanding of how God works on the earth and in his people.  All three are as important as the other. All three are God in the triune form and each one can be used in a separate or individual form. 

 

It is amazing that God works in the lives of his people either together or separately, whatever the situation calls for.  He speaks in ways for each of us to understand how and why he is working in plural or singular form.  Sometimes the Father needs to speak to or direct his child from a fatherly perspective.  Sometimes the Son needs to remind his people of the sacrifice that was made to cleanse them from the sinful nature of mankind and to fill those people with love for others.  Sometimes the Holy Spirit needs to come into the hearts of his people to comfort them and guide them, to speak life into the spirit of his child. 

 

There are so many ways Yehovah Elohim works in the lives of his chosen and all we have to do is acknowledge him, plural or singular.  They live in us.  We are made in their image.  He calls to us and we hear his voice.  We are his people.  We are singular and we are plural.

 

I John 3:24 - 'Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us.'

 

Psalms 100:3 - 'Know that the Lord , He is God; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.'

I Am Free

Here in the United States of America we value our freedom.  This nation was formed by people who were under the rule of the king of England who would not let the people choose in many areas of their lives.  They were under a huge burden of taxation and were not allowed to worship freely.  The king decided how the common people would live their lives and if they did not follow his commands they were imprisoned or killed.  There was not a choice for the people.  They were slaves to the king.

 

Slavery in one form or another has been the plight of mankind from early on.  Early on even Adam and Eve and their children were slaves to the earth.  After their fall in the garden nothing was easy and they had to produce the food they would eat to live.  In the times of Noah there was great wickedness on earth so we should only assume that the strong used the weak as their slaves.  After the flood the same happened again.  Noah's son, Ham, sinned against his father Noah and his linage was cursed. A grandson of Ham, Nimrod declared himself king and decided to take his cousins (children of Shem and Japheth) as slaves for the city and tower (Babel) he was building in honor of his gods. He had forsaken the One True God. The stories of slavery continue until this day.

 

In our day owning a slave is detestable yet many workers in many industries will tell you they are a slave to their job.  Today people are slaves to their possessions.  They are slaves to their family.  They are slaves to their friends.  They are slaves to their sins.  Slavery is bondage to something or someone.  All who are held in some kind of bondage (slavery) know it yet somehow are unable or unwilling to break the chains.  They live in it for their entire lives and many die in it.

 

But there is hope for all of mankind held in any kind of slavery.  That hope is Jesus Christ who saves us from the trials, tribulations, and sins of this life.  He promises us an eternal life free from sin and slavery. He offers this free gift of forgiveness and salvation for eternity in a new world without sin and slavery.  He came to earth specifically to pay the price for us to be free from this worldly life filled with fear, wickedness, and bondage.  He promised to never leave us and to always be with us if we come to him and accept his saving gift of  forgiveness and to honor his commands to love one another and be gentle in spirit, words and deeds. 

 

We will still have to live in this fallen world even when we have come to the saving grace of Jesus.  We will still feel many time that we are not free from the wickedness of this world and the bondages it places on us as humans.  We still have to find a way to bring food to the table for our family.  We still have to live in a world where people choose other gods and idols.  As long as we are in this human body on this fallen earth we will have to deal with it's sinful ways.  The evil ruler of this earth is still going to try to place the people in bondage and slavery. He is still going to try to place chains of conviction on all of God's chosen people.  He is still going to try to place God's people in some kind of prison to keep them from the freedom that God gives to those who call upon His name.  He is still going to place doubts of our freedom from sin.  He will never give up trying to convince us we are not worthy enough to be free.

 

There are promises on promises throughout the Bible telling us that the Lord God Almighty will set us free from this world and all of the chains that bind us.  All we have to do is believe His word and His promises.

 

Galatians 5:1 (NKJV) - Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.

 

John 8:31-32 (NIV) - To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

 

John 8:36 (NIV) - So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

What Are Your Dreams?

What Are Your Dreams

Sunday, February 05, 2023

11:41 AM

For 137 days I am been a widow.  Unlike the decades prior to those days I was able to focus on life and tomorrow.  Now I find that I question everything about life and tomorrow.  I understand that I am in a crossroad of life. But I have so many unanswered questions for myself.

What is your passion?

What are your goals?

What are your aspirations?

 

Why don't you have any dreams of your future?

(Is it because you are almost 69 years old and content with your life?)

Have you been living your life for someone else? (spouse, children, family)

Are you resilient?

Are you motivated?

Are you procrastinating?

What are your ambitions?

What is your purpose in life now that Jerry is gone?

What do you love about life?

What do you love to talk about?

What do you read?

What are you good at?

What are problems you can fix?

Do you have a healthy body and mind?

What is your main priority?

Do you have support from others?

 

II Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

 

As the days and months pass by I have yet to find the answers to many of these questions.  Many of them can be answered with one word, "Jesus" because He is my sole focus every day.  I have run to His arms of comfort and security in a world I do not know or understand.  His presence has been my comfort and joy in a sad time of my life.  

 

This crossroad is not like anything I have experienced before in my life.  I have had many difficulties such as an early pregnancy at age 18, a 10 year relationship and marriage that was more that just difficult, it was abusive, multiple sins of lies, alcohol, drugs, lust, theft, gossip, selfishness, and others.  The majority of these were continually done in my younger years but some still pop out even in my old age and even as I have walked as a follower of Jesus Christ.  This crossroad of widowhood has taken me off guard.

 

I have normally been a (mostly) self sufficient woman.  I have normally been an organized woman.  I have normally been a social woman.  I like people.  I like to talk.  I like to go to different places and experience different things.  I like adventure.  I like life!  Not so today.  Crowds bother me.  Trips give me anxiety.  Leaving home is not fun.  Getting dressed is a chore and putting on makeup is a waste.  I'm just not into anything.  But I am refusing to quit.  I get up every day.  I read my Bible everyday at least for a few minutes.  I pray.  I talk with the Lord.  I try to move at least a little.  Like I said, this is a very strange time of my life and I don't like it but I have to go through it. 

 

Romans 8:26

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

 

CHANGE

    We try to wrap our minds around the changes of life but we are never actually prepared for them.  The little changes are fairly easy and we seem to be able to get through them with ease.  We notice these small changes and adapt to whatever they are bringing to life.  It's the bigger changes that we seem to have issues with.  These bigger changes effect our daily life and they are changes that are more than just noticeable. They are constant.  They are right in our faces!  They are a huge impact to our daily life!

    Each one of us face changes.  We can prepare ourselves for many of them as we watch and help others go through them.  The real test of our faith comes when we go through them personally.  Death.  Health.  Financial.  Livelihood.  Family.  Friends.  These are where the "larger than life" issues play with our lives, our minds, our hearts.  These are the times of change we curl up in God's arms, our Abba, our Father, and ask him to take care of it.

    As followers of Jesus we know He said we would experience trials and tribulations.  He warned us.  As old children of the Lord many of us have learned and grown to understand these times of changes mold us and make us into servants for others who are not so old and seasoned. But then along comes a new one for us old kids and we too have to run to the Father's arms and cry for help.  It's not that we do not trust Him, it's that we really do not want to experience "this" change.  We do get a bit fearful as this path is unknown and unknown paths are strange.  We have not been on this road before and we are not quite sure how to maneuver through. We are not going to fight and scream how unfair this new path is because we did that when we were younger and everything was unknown and new.  Changes happened on a regular basis. 

 But there are seasons and changes that even the old ones find they question what to do, how to do it and why this change is in front of us.  It's okay to ask the Lord "why?"  It's okay to feel uneasy and unsure of the days ahead.  It's okay to cry.  It's okay to be sad when the change has changed everything in your life. Everything.  It is not okay to remain in a state of unrest and denial for a long period of time.  It is not okay to crawl into a cave of isolation for long period of time.  It is not okay to stay in the dark valley when the Lord continually calls us to walk in the light.  He wants us to come out on the other side of the change with a lesson learned, a grateful heart, and a testimony of the miracles the change has accomplished!

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me.

    For me personally, the change has been death.  The death of my husband of almost 40 years happened almost 4 months ago.  Learning how to live alone has been a challenge.  I lived with my best friend for 14,459 days of life and now he is gone from my sight.  Memories of him are all around me as I live in the beautiful home he built for me and the family over 30 years ago.  The touch of his hand is everywhere I look.  I knew this time would come but I did not know how I would deal with it.  I find that there are days I want to be alone and process all of this.  I find there are spurt's of days that I keep busy with outside things and people.  I find there are waves of emotions and ripples of emotions. 

    I have no idea how long this season of change will last for me.  Eventually I will have to move to the hilltop and survey the journey I have been through. I will have to move on to the next part of my life no matter where that brings me.  I do trust the Lord with my every moment and know He is for me and not against me. 

Psalms 25:5

Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation, for you I wait all the day long.

Psalms 139:7

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?

Psalms 126:3

The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad.

I Thessalonians 2:20

For you are our glory and joy.

    I praise you Lord God in the midst of change!  You are with me! Hallelujah!

The Quiet of Holidays

Every day I think about what the day will bring.  Every day is mostly the same.  The house is very quiet.  I sometimes turn on music to eliminate the quiet.  I do the same with the TV.  But I don't really mind the quiet.

 

For years and years Jerry battled COPD which made him cough and wheeze and cough and wheeze.  That was one of the reasons we quit physically going to church.  Especially during 2020 and 2021 when everyone was freaking about the "virus".  Now there is no coughing.  It is quiet.  Jerry was also a person who hummed.  So the humming is missing too.  It is quiet.  It's been quiet for 86 days now since Jerry left the planet and moved to his heavenly home.

 

Christmas is 9 days away and I know it will be as quiet as I want it to be.  There are plans to attend the candlelight service at church on Christmas Eve.  There are plans to have Christmas dinner with family and friends.  There could be many more plans but I enjoy the solitude and quietness of the holidays. 

 

This is the year I need the stillness to hold me and keep me grounded.  There are so many things that may happen in the future but for now I do want to have peace with the quietness.  I just spoke with a friend and told her there is nothing that I "have" to do right now.  There is no where I "have'' to be.  There is no one I "have" to see. Right now life is just simply a day at a time with no expectations of tomorrow.

 

I know as the days and months progress the Lord will lead me where He wants and where He needs me to be.  He will lead me to those I can help or witness to.  He will guide me to whatever future He has in store for me.  For now I will try to be still and listen for His voice or just feel his love until the timing, His timing is right.

 

Exodus 14:14 (NIV) - "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

 

The Outward Appearance

Our ladies Power of Twelve word for this month has been appearance from

 

I Samuel 16:7 (NKJV)

For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

 

As human beings we tend to judge by sight when we look at something or someone for the first time.  We look with our eyes at whatever it or who it may be and our brain says good or bad.  Beautiful or ugly.  Right or wrong.  Worthless or worthy.  Initially we make that outward call without knowing what is inside or what is hidden from our sight.  Thank goodness God our Father does not judge us by this outward appearance and looks into our heart to see what is at the root of us. Does He see love in our heart or does He see the bitterness and disappointment?  Does He see jealousy or pride?  Does He see us truly as we are or does He see what we can potentially be if we chose to live a life of goodness, truth and love?

 

What appears on the outside is not necessarily true.  We are very good at hiding who we are and what we do so and sometimes the appearance, the look, the truth, is not in reality, what it is or who we are.  The outside look is not actually what is truly happening on the inside.  Human beings are very good at covering up the ugliness hidden inside. Many of us experience this 'judgement call' of another at some point in our lives but as we take the time to get to know the person, much of what appears to be who they are is not really who they truly are.  When you really know someone you find out their secrets, truths and hurts. You find out what they believe and have experienced. Do you still love then when you know the ugly truth about them?  Do they stand by you as your friendship and relationship grows?  How things appear are often not how they truly are and time reveals many things.

 

There are scripture that speak about the physical, outward appearance of Jesus saying that He was no one that was attractive or pleasurable in appearance yet His heart was filled with love for His chosen people who He willingly hung on the cross and died for to pay the price of their sins.  Then there are scripture that speak of his brilliant, shining, appearance as He prayed and spoke with the Father. His appearance was transformed into something heavenly and holy.  Jesus appeared to some as an ugly, homely, unattractive man but to others He appeared as a King, beautiful, lovely, filled with the power of God, and filled with enough love for others to save them for all of eternity.

 

Luke 9:29 (NKJV)

As He prayed, the appearance of His face was altered,

and His robe became white and glistening.

 

Each time we look at others we should take a moment to discern the difference between an outside appearance and an inside heart.  Each time we are confronted with a situation we should take a few moments, or longer, to discern if the situation is an appearance of God in our lives or something else being exposed to us to better us. 

 

Appearances can be deceiving if we do not seek the Lord in His wisdom for us and for others.

I Am Lost

It's been 48 days since Jerry left the planet and I am lost without him.  As each day passes it seems to get a bit worse.  I have no confidence that this is going to last a short period of time.  Since it took almost 40 years to get to this point I actually think it could take 40 years to get passed this. 

 

I don't care about eating.  I don't care about working.  I don't care about laughing.  I don't care about crying.  I don't care about how I look. I don't care about the time of year.  I don't care about people.  I don't care about much of anything.  I am in a funk.  I am in a depression.  I am a widow and I miss my husband and my friend.

 

He may not have talked much but he listened a lot.  He may not have been healthy but he was breathing and moving.  He may not have been the most intelligent man in the world but he was very smart.  He was kind. He was generous.  He was loving.  He was nice.  He was lovable.  He loved Jesus and that was the most important part of him.

 

Jerry grounded me for the past 40 years.  When I was flying off the handle he calmed me down.  He made sense out of my erratic behavior and my erratic mind.  Now I am all over the place in thought and action.  I can't seem to find my bearing.  He was my North Star.  My compass.  My grounding rod.  Now I am a mess of a woman.

 

So with this admission all I can do is cry out to the Lord and ask for help!

Jerry's Death

Jerry died at home on Sept 21 2022 after being in the Tillamook Hospital Sept 12 - 14, 2022.  He had collapsed at home on Sept 12 and broke his collarbone in the fall.  He collapsed due to loss of blood from a bleeding ulcer.  The bleeding was stopped but there were other issues in his stomach and the doctors wanted to send him to Portland for more surgery. He said, "No more hospitals.  I want to go home." 

 

We got Hospice set up and brought him home on September 15th.  He spent 6 days at home while we took care of him.  Each day he ate and drank less and less.  He could not move and was completely bed ridden due to the broken collarbone and then rheumatoid arthritis inflammation in all his joints which had come on since he could no longer take his RA medications. I prayed each day that the Lord would allow him to die quietly and peacefully in his sleep and that his suffering would finally end.

 

At 3:43 a.m. on the morning of Sept 21st,  I (Deb) was some way awakened as I was sleeping near him on the couch and went to his side and heard his last 2 breaths and he passed from this life to the next.  I woke up son Chris who came downstairs and listened for breathing and heartbeat but there was none.  This was at 4 a.m.  Jerry had gone to be with Jesus.

 

As Chris and I had never experienced anything like this we were at a loss as to the next move.  It was a beautiful fall morning so we went out and stood on the back deck to breathe and think about what and who we had just lost.  As we looked into the night sky as morning was beginning to break, three shooting stars, all at the same time, shot over the top of the large spruce tree.  Both of us saw them and gasped.  Then within another minutes a very small wisp of a cloud appeared up in the sky towards the west.  Both of us questioned this as there were no clouds in the sky anywhere else.  It was not there when we saw the shooting stars and then it was there.  As we watched for seconds it then disappeared.  It was if the heavens had opened and then it closed.  The shooting stars came and went.  The cloud appeared and then disappeared.  Jerry was here on earth and then he was gone.  This all happened within 20 minutes of his passing.  We knew we had just witnesses a miracle.  The final moments of physical life as the spirit passes into the next life.  Just as Jesus promised. 

 

Luke 23:43 (KJV) - And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise.