The Future Is Scary When You Get Old

I have been battling a terrible head and chest cold for 5 days now and am an emotional (and physical) wreck.  Nothing is getting done in my house.  I haven’t eaten a good meal in 5 days.  I am tired of coughing, wheezing, and blowing my nose.  I am whining and crying and I don’t care if I am having a pity party for me.  I hate being sick which is probably why the Good Lord has kept me healthy most of my life.

This is not so for my poor husband. He has battled Rheumatoid Arthritis for more than 40 years and it, along with all the drugs he takes, has pummeled his once hearty body.  We don’t talk much about it but I am sure it is very hard for him to remember being the basketball and football jock he was in high school and then the strong, always hardworking man he was for 35 years in a sawmill.

When both of us are not feeling well it is a sad home front.

I am 61 years old and still working.  He is 74 and has been retired for 8 years.  We have been living in our home we built, for over 25 years ago.  It is a 2200 square foot, 2 story home on 2 acres.  We both know we cannot stay here much longer.  We have no family here to help us.  The closest family lives hours away and the farthest lives a plane ride away.  We have no one here to help us so we know the time is coming when we will have to downsize.  We will have to move.

When a person lives in the same place for decades the stuff piles up.  The thought of going through everything is enough to make me sicker.  I have no idea where to start.  Which closest?  Which of the 4 bedrooms?  The garage or the detached 2 car shop?  The little barn?   Oh, heavens, I am a mess just thinking about this.

I know I have to work at my job for another 4 ½ years so I have that amount of time to get this show on the road.  That is if nothing major happens to either one of us.  If there is a major catastrophe then the plans will have to change faster than presumed.

Getting old is really a tough thing.  Not only is it a physical inconvenience but it is an emotional inconvenience.  We don’t want to burden our family.  Our children are busy, busy, busy. Our closest grandchildren are not old enough to help.  Anything we do will have to be hired out when we are no longer able to do anything for ourselves.  All we will be able to do is get dressed, eat and sleep.  The yard maintenance will need to be hired out.  The grocery shopping will need to be hired out.  Cooking might even need to be hired out.  Finances will need to be hired out.

I did find there are companies gearing up for us baby-boomers that are falling apart.  That is good news.  Help is out there if you have enough money to pay for it.  They will come in, access the situation, and tell you what they can do.  There are retirement communities that offer small homes or apartments with little to no maintenance.  For a fee you can get anything taken care of.  I wonder what the poor, old people do in a situation like this.  They have no extra money.  I should probably stop whining and feeling sorry for myself when others have far less in life and life choices.

I hope I feel better soon so I do not have to think about this daunting task that is coming up in my life in the next few years.  Today, I am a wreck, thinking about it.

LIFE IS REALLY HARD SOMETIMES, BUT YOU ALL KNOW THAT!!

I wrote a letter to a friend of mine tonight and thought I would share it with the world.  I know that everyone struggles with many different things all their life.  Some people struggle every day, every year, all the time.  My heart breaks for those who have this kind of life.  No wonder there is hopelessness in the world.  No wonder so many just plain quit.  They give up.  They cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel.  It's a dark, dark world and they do not want to live in it.  Or if they do stay and live in it they want to be an numb as possible.  I get this.  I have felt this way in my life...before I knew the Lord.  Before I found hope, truth, love, forgiveness, peace, and the ability to comprehend what it means to be "Filled With The Spirit of God!"  Since then, I have never been the same.  I have never given up even when my mind said, "Give it up!"  My spirit and the Holy Spirit told me to hang on!  I would encourage you to start by searching out the meaning of the word HOPE!  Never give up hope that things can change, people can change, circumstances can change.  It only take faith the size of a mustard seed (which is one of the smallest seeds on earth) to move a mountain. 

Here is my letter to my friend:

I just wanted to tell you how much I love and respect you.  After ready this blog entry I felt I had to write and tell you that we all have those times we feel "less than", or "not loved", or "why me?", or "this is just BS".  I have struggled through the following trial for months and months now and cannot find a way to forgive...yet.  

Jerry and I just got done with one of the biggest battles we have had in our 32 years of marriage.  We have had legal issues with our next door neighbor who is a crazy person, but sane enough to falsely accuse Jerry of some terrible things and make the court believe her lies.  Yesterday he had to plead guilty to disorderly conduct in order to get the "crime" reduced to a violation.  He stopped her 19 year old daughter's vehicle in front of our house when she tried to run over him as he was mowing the lawn by the private road we share.  Oh, it's a long story and all of the details are not that important.  This happened last August and we just now finished up with the DA's charge.  The initial charge of "stalking" was dismissed with prejudice, so she cannot do this to Jerry again.  We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on legal fees, surveillance equipment, and have had to live right next door to this woman and her adult children who have caused us more grief than almost anyone in our entire lives ever has.  All the time asking God, "What are we supposed to be learning from this? Why would you allow Jerry to be falsely accused of terrible things?" 

For 8 months I have been telling myself, "What doesn't kill me, will only strengthen me."  I don't feel strong.  I feel beat up and I did not do anything.  The stress has taken a toll on our marriage.  I don't want to live in my home any longer.  I don't want to live next door to a real life witch (you can but a big B in front of that word too).  I don't want to forgive her for being a psychotic narcissist.  I am mad that God allowed her lies to be heard and believed by the sheriff, the DA, and the court.  I am not mad at God, just mad that he did not protect Jerry and me from the evil neighbor!

I guess I mainly wanted you to hear my little story to let you know, you and Darin have always been in our thoughts, our hearts, and our prayers.  You have walked a path which seemed to lead to no where.  You felt betrayed and abandoned.  But I know that both you and Darin know, just like Jerry and I know...He never leaves us.  He never forsakes us.  He is always at our side.  He is always working it out for the best.  The evil one tries, but he cannot kill us.  Our lives are in the hands of the One True God who is faithful and just.   We are survivors and so-journers, just passing through this land.  We know we can curl up in the arms of our Father and He will console us and provide for us.  He will take care of us and He does. Time and time again.

But in the meantime, we live as human beings, next to a bunch of other human beings, some of whom are much, much more screwed up than we are.  Jerry and I physically live in the presence of our enemies, right over the fence.  Now I just have to find the will power and ability to forgive and move on.

It is very hard this time.  But this too will pass.  It just seems like it is taking a long, long time.

My love and prayers always and hugs to Darin and the girls!

P.S. If you do not want this comment (uh...lengthy rambling) on here feel free to delete it.  I wanted you to know that right now I am right where you were when you wrote this blog.  I got no ego left!  I am just plain tired of it all. 

No More Clintons

Giving Away Money Is Awesome!

I have spent the majority of the day reading through scholarship applications from upcoming graduates of our local high school.  Tomorrow morning a group of us will meet and go over our ranking and prepare to give $2,500 to six different people.

I have been a part of this organization for almost 25 years.  The first year we gave one $500 scholarship to one young man.  Through the charitable donations of many people we are now giving away $15,000 a year!  Incredible!  And we still have money in the bank for the next round.

This year is the first year we will be giving $2,500 to a post-graduate.  Anyone out of school (having graduated from THS) for 1 year or more is eligible to apply.  We have two applicants for the post-graduat scholarship, a 39 year old and a 24 year old.

If by chance someone reads this and would like more information we have a web page at:

http://www.ths-asf.yolasite.com/

and a Facebook page at:

https://www.facebook.com/THSalumnischolarshipfund?ref=bookmarks

We are always looking for those who wish to contribute to the future of those looking to educate themselves!

I love giving money away to the deserving people who go out and do more for themselves and our world!!