Random Thoughts On “The Awful Truth About Being Old”

(Over the age of 60)

You have extra money but you don’t need anything.
You have extra money so the younger ones expect you to pay for everything.
You have extra money to buy gifts for others but rarely does someone say “Thank You” and sincerely appreciates the gift.
You have time to do more things but you don’t have the energy.
You have time to make your home, the yard, and flower gardens beautiful but you do not have the energy.
You have time to keep your house clean but you do not have the energy.
You have time to see your kids, grandkids, and family but they don’t have time for you.
You have time to see your family but they live too far away and making the trip is a huge effort that the younger ones do not understand.
You have time to spend with friends but they have all moved away, are no longer your friend or have died.
You have lived long enough to gather some really profound wisdom but no one wants to hear it.
You would really like to engage in meaningful conversations but no one wants to have a meaningful conversation.
Younger people honestly think “old people should be seen and not heard”.
Sometimes you feel like you are just hanging around, waiting to die.
No one will remember you in 100 years from now and you know it.

2016 - Feeling low in the new year

Written in 2016 and not posted until 2017 -

It gets harder and harder to put into words what I am feeling.  As this new year rolls in and I realize it is the year 2016, I can't seem to find a feeling that puts it into perspective for me. 

It seems that for the past 6 months or maybe longer I have found it harder and harder to grasp what I am feeling towards life.  I know that I am on the downhill side of life and that it is just a matter of a couple to several decades before I am out of this world.  I am not afraid of death but I really don't want to live another 20 to 30 years without getting a handle on the emotional side of my life.

I sometimes feel like I am just waiting for the proverbial "shoe" to drop.  

My husband will be 75 years old this year.  I have known for a long, long time that he is not healthy but now I am looking at his age AND his health.  We have been married for 33 years this year and the past 10 years have been without intimacy because of his physical and health problems.  I have had to come to the realization that we will never again have a physical relationship and now it seems those first 23 years were based mainly on physical contact.  We barely speak to each other now.  There is no conversation.  He was never a conversationalist but now there are 2 or 3 words sentences between the 2 of us. We are polite and kind to each other.  We love each other but we are no longer in love.  He is retired and honestly has no hobbies.  He tries to keep up with the outdoor chores of the lawn and cutting firewood.  I still have to work full time to keep our health benefits going.  He has an annual prescription drug bill of around $50,000 which my group policy keeps down to a couple of thousand.  Though I am thankfully not a sickly person, I still need health insurance just in case.  There is no way to change the way things are in our marriage now so I guess I am still trying to figure out how to get through all of this, without developing any bitterness or hard feelings.  Today, I cannot honestly say I do not have both of those feelings.  But tomorrow will be another day that I will try to keep a positive attitude about our marriage.  

I have a big, beautiful home that I can no longer take care of in the way I would like to.  I cannot sweep, mop or dust fast enough to keep up with the dirt.  The house gets a cleaning only when company is coming.  I have let the flower beds go back to nature for the most part.  The piles of "stuff" just keep getting bigger with no energy to do anything with all the "stuff."  After working all week the last thing I want to do is work all weekend long on the house, so I don't.  When you don't work on the housework all the time, some of it gets backed up.  That would be what has happened with the "stuff."  Year after year a person accumulates things.  We have not moved for 26 years.  Do you know how much stuff can pile up in 26 years?  A LOT!! My kids just look at the stuff when they come to visit and I can see their eyes rolling and almost hear the thoughts.  "We are going to have to clear out all of this when they go!" Being honest again, it would take a year to go through the house, garage, shop, and barn if we did have to move.  I like to think of downsizing but when I think of all the work that it would take to move, it's easier to just NOT think of it.

We live 150 miles from my closest child and his family.  We live 1700 miles from my daughter and her family.  We are a blended family of his and mine, but his kids are mainly out of touch with us. My children were very young when we got married and his were already out on their own.  His daughter and all of her children live in Texas.  His son has not been in contact with him for 20 years.  Because I still work we can only take vacations a couple of times a year and now we are getting to the age that even traveling is not that easy.  Last time we traveled to see my daughter he ended up in the emergency room.  Having all of his medical problems looming in the background makes it hard to think about travel.

Once a month my son and his family try to come visit us for a weekend or we try to get to them.  So 2 to 3 days a month I usually get to see family, otherwise, there is no family here where we live.  I have 6 grandchildren that I love and adore but am not able to be a part of their lives.  Instead, I sit in this big house, unable to take care of it because I am getting too old, living with a man I am married to but have no relationship with, neither physically or emotionally, and work outside the home 35 hours a week, minimal, because we need health insurance.

I cannot be the only woman in the world feeling blue in the new year.  I usually am not a "pitty party" type of person but I know I am in a slump and can't seem to find any answers.  I have friends and they would listen but they all have tons of things going on in their lives.  I don't want to burden them with my petty issues.  I have faith that God can do all things but there are no resolutions to any of these "issues" that I would ask Him to take care of.  The answers would be too scary right now.

I am at a turning point in my life where I will have to ask the hard questions and be ready for the answers.  But not today.  I have a little bit of "wait" left in me. 

I Apologize For My Unkind Words

I Apologize For My Unkind Words

Debra Kay Reeves – May 21, 2017

 

 

I am sure there are a lot of people I need to apologize to for my outspoken opinion on many different topics.  I am not sure if the reason for my outbursts and grand-standing is because of my German, English, Dutch, Irish roots or because of being descended from pioneers.  Anyway, I apologize.

 

My great-great-great grandparents, Milton and Christiana Brown, came to Oregon before it was a state.  They brought along their 5 children, one of which was my great-great grandmother, Suzanna Brown.  Milton and Christiana each received donation land claims in 1849 near Oregon City.   About 10 years or so later they had moved to southern Oregon, near Klamath Falls.  Then they settled in Summer Lake Valley.  I loved finding photos and a bit of their history in a book called, “Settlers of Summer Lake Valley”.  My own personal thought is that it got too populated in the Oregon City, Portland area so grandpa said, “Pack Up. We’re moving.”  Pioneer, on the move again.

 

Pioneers were hearty people who looked for better for themselves and their family.  They were compassionate and honest.  They were dependable and reliable.  Their word was their bond.  They worked hard and played hard.  They suffered terrible ordeals and they celebrated joyous occasions.  They worked the ground until their hands bled.  They died young.  Most were never wealthy, but many had enough to live.

 

It took a special kind of person to uproot their entire family and move them hundreds of miles from family and a much easier life.  The east coast is still very populated with millions of people whose ancestors never left the comfort of their homes.  They emigrated and then they stayed planted.  Some did not, and those are the kind of people whose blood runs in my veins.

 

I have been alive over 6 decades now and honestly feel like I have lived a full and blessed life.  As a child I always had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and clothes to wear.  In fact I had plenty.  My father worked hard and made sure we were taken care of financially.  My mother stayed home and tended to the house and the children as women did in the 1950’s.  As we grew she had a part-time job but was always there to take us places and do things for us.  Dad did not partake of many things pertaining to children except spanking us when we got out of line.  He didn’t do the school program thing, or the sports thing, or the church thing.  Mom did all of that without him.  Like I said, he provided for the family financially and that was pretty much the extent of it.  This of course explains my personal search for a father figure or a man to complete me and be my soulmate.  That is another story, another time.

 

In having a good upbringing, despite the un-involvement of a father figure, I found the Lord at an early age.  I was always at Sunday school on Sunday mornings.  Mom had to fight us but she made us go.  It was the greatest sacrifice a mother would and can make for her children. 

 

Out of four of us children, two of us are born again Christians and know that Jesus Christ is exactly who he said he was and that his words are as true today as they were over 2,000 years ago.  Being Christian does not make us better than anyone else it just means we have chosen to accept the gifts Jesus offers.  Those gifts include things like love, forgiveness, kindness, generosity, peace, understanding, wisdom, knowledge, and so much more.  He told us to lay our troubles and burdens onto him and that he would ease our cares.  He does just that when you come to know him.  It’s all in the Word of God, the bible. 

 

Each of us has to ask him to reveal himself to us.  Each of us at one time or another was searching for something and we were not sure what.  Love, acceptance, friendship, kindness, wealth, power, self-satisfaction, whatever it was, you were looking.  Those of us who come to know Jesus know he is the only truth a person can find on earth and live a peaceable life.   You can search and search for earthly and human desires but you will never be satisfied.  In the end death will take you and you will still have nothing.  That is unless you chose to take that leap of faith and find Jesus.  It is really a very simple step to a life of peace. 

 

No, you will not be spared from trials, tribulation, and tears.   No, you will not be protected from all harm.  Bad things will still happen.  We still have to live on this earth with all the other human beings that do not want to make the choice for peace.  But you will be able to make it through the troubled times because of a peace that surpasses all understanding.  This is another one of those gifts I spoke about earlier.

 

Right now as we live in this troubled time and it seems like so many have lost their minds in America, we all need to remember, this too shall pass.  Many of us that have a peaceable life should always try to “reason in kindness” with those who are so agitated with so much and taking it out in violent, harmful, and vicious ways.  We should not lower ourselves to name calling and judgmental remarks.   We don’t have to be silent but we can be kind.  I am going to really, really try to do better in this area.  In fact, I have been hitting the backspace bar and delete button far more in the past few weeks than I have for the past 2 years.  God is working on me still. Hallelujah!

 

Sorry if I offended you with my words in the past.  I apologize and ask for forgiveness.