2016 - Feeling low in the new year

Written in 2016 and not posted until 2017 -

It gets harder and harder to put into words what I am feeling.  As this new year rolls in and I realize it is the year 2016, I can't seem to find a feeling that puts it into perspective for me. 

It seems that for the past 6 months or maybe longer I have found it harder and harder to grasp what I am feeling towards life.  I know that I am on the downhill side of life and that it is just a matter of a couple to several decades before I am out of this world.  I am not afraid of death but I really don't want to live another 20 to 30 years without getting a handle on the emotional side of my life.

I sometimes feel like I am just waiting for the proverbial "shoe" to drop.  

My husband will be 75 years old this year.  I have known for a long, long time that he is not healthy but now I am looking at his age AND his health.  We have been married for 33 years this year and the past 10 years have been without intimacy because of his physical and health problems.  I have had to come to the realization that we will never again have a physical relationship and now it seems those first 23 years were based mainly on physical contact.  We barely speak to each other now.  There is no conversation.  He was never a conversationalist but now there are 2 or 3 words sentences between the 2 of us. We are polite and kind to each other.  We love each other but we are no longer in love.  He is retired and honestly has no hobbies.  He tries to keep up with the outdoor chores of the lawn and cutting firewood.  I still have to work full time to keep our health benefits going.  He has an annual prescription drug bill of around $50,000 which my group policy keeps down to a couple of thousand.  Though I am thankfully not a sickly person, I still need health insurance just in case.  There is no way to change the way things are in our marriage now so I guess I am still trying to figure out how to get through all of this, without developing any bitterness or hard feelings.  Today, I cannot honestly say I do not have both of those feelings.  But tomorrow will be another day that I will try to keep a positive attitude about our marriage.  

I have a big, beautiful home that I can no longer take care of in the way I would like to.  I cannot sweep, mop or dust fast enough to keep up with the dirt.  The house gets a cleaning only when company is coming.  I have let the flower beds go back to nature for the most part.  The piles of "stuff" just keep getting bigger with no energy to do anything with all the "stuff."  After working all week the last thing I want to do is work all weekend long on the house, so I don't.  When you don't work on the housework all the time, some of it gets backed up.  That would be what has happened with the "stuff."  Year after year a person accumulates things.  We have not moved for 26 years.  Do you know how much stuff can pile up in 26 years?  A LOT!! My kids just look at the stuff when they come to visit and I can see their eyes rolling and almost hear the thoughts.  "We are going to have to clear out all of this when they go!" Being honest again, it would take a year to go through the house, garage, shop, and barn if we did have to move.  I like to think of downsizing but when I think of all the work that it would take to move, it's easier to just NOT think of it.

We live 150 miles from my closest child and his family.  We live 1700 miles from my daughter and her family.  We are a blended family of his and mine, but his kids are mainly out of touch with us. My children were very young when we got married and his were already out on their own.  His daughter and all of her children live in Texas.  His son has not been in contact with him for 20 years.  Because I still work we can only take vacations a couple of times a year and now we are getting to the age that even traveling is not that easy.  Last time we traveled to see my daughter he ended up in the emergency room.  Having all of his medical problems looming in the background makes it hard to think about travel.

Once a month my son and his family try to come visit us for a weekend or we try to get to them.  So 2 to 3 days a month I usually get to see family, otherwise, there is no family here where we live.  I have 6 grandchildren that I love and adore but am not able to be a part of their lives.  Instead, I sit in this big house, unable to take care of it because I am getting too old, living with a man I am married to but have no relationship with, neither physically or emotionally, and work outside the home 35 hours a week, minimal, because we need health insurance.

I cannot be the only woman in the world feeling blue in the new year.  I usually am not a "pitty party" type of person but I know I am in a slump and can't seem to find any answers.  I have friends and they would listen but they all have tons of things going on in their lives.  I don't want to burden them with my petty issues.  I have faith that God can do all things but there are no resolutions to any of these "issues" that I would ask Him to take care of.  The answers would be too scary right now.

I am at a turning point in my life where I will have to ask the hard questions and be ready for the answers.  But not today.  I have a little bit of "wait" left in me.