Distractions

 Distractions

Wednesday, May 21, 2025

6:14 PM

It's been months since I last wrote.  I have no idea why I write and don't write.  Most people who journal do it every day or every other day.  I seem to do things in spurts.  I am rarely constant in anything besides sleeping and eating. 

I do write the Power of Twelve Wednesday Weekly Word and then Dena and I do our podcast once a week too.  So I am getting some of my thoughts out on paper.  But not like when I ramble about life.

For these past several months I have been down in the heart.  I know I am still grieving over the loss of Jerry and really miss his companionship.  It was not good at the end but we at least had conversations.  Now all I do is yell at my cats.  Penny pukes up hairballs and food every day and Boo wants in and out and in and out and in and out all day long and meows until I move.  I love them and hate them.

I haven't gone to church here at home since Christmas.  Sitting in church by myself, with a majority of strangers and crying through worship got the best of me.  I would rather grieve and worship at home by myself than with strangers.

I do stay in the word every day in one way or another.  God is the only constant and continuous one in my life but lately I feel like He isn't paying much attention to my needs either.  I know He loves me.  I know He cares.  I know I am probably feeling this way because my emotions are all over the place but it just seems there are so many distractions pulling me all over the place and all I want to do is curl up in His arms and rest.  Maybe it's the devil doing it all and for whatever reason the Lord is not blocking his punches to me.  Maybe it's my Job test.  Like Job I will never denounce God or turn from Him but I will cry and whine for the treatment He is allowing to happen to me and around me.

In just the past 7 weeks I went to Eagle Crest with the kids for 8 days, then 10 day later flew to Jacksonville FL to spend a week with Felicia. On the home trip the plane flaps quit working so we had an emergency landing back to Jacksonville which made me miss my connection in Atlanta to Portland.  It was a 24 hour delay with 4 hours of sleep.  I was home 2 days when Chris called to tell me Duke flew out of the window of the pickup and broke a back hind leg.  That was on Friday May 2nd.  I had just gotten home on Thursday.  Brother Dave showed up on Saturday and stayed until Monday.  He helped me mow the lawn on Sunday. Sunday afternoon Natalee called crying because Chris was puking up blood so he was in ER at Centralia.  I packed my suitcase again and headed the 150 miles to Adna Monday after Dave left at noon.  Chris was in ICU for 3 days home on Wednesday.  The orthopedic vet was unable to save Duke's leg so it was amputated on Thursday in Vancouver.  I paid $5,000 to help with the bill.  They kept him overnight so Chris and I headed back on Friday.  The round trips are 150 miles.  So that was 2 in 2 days.  I stayed till Monday May 12th and then drove the 150 miles home.  The kids were set to go on their Maui vacation on May 15th.  Kristy was taking the dog watching shift from Wednesday to Tuesday and then I was supposed to drive back up on Tuesday and stay will they got home on Saturday May 24th.  Kristy felt sorry for me so she decided to stay the whole 10 days.  Tim is home holding things down at their house.  

I got home on May 12th and slept for 12 hours the first night and then almost 12 the next night.  All I did was relax, eat and watch TV.  Then Surprise! Tuesday and Wednesday the asphalt company was here to do the driveway.  Sunday May 18th was our Power of 12 meeting and on May 19th I had a THS Alumni meeting.  On May 20th there was a critter somewhere in my garage, which I had heard knocking things over for several nights.  I tried yesterday but was freaked out then today I found the skunk hiding in the far corner and of course he sprayed his scent!  Then I cleaned part of the garage as I tried to figure out how to get him out!  Finally I gave up, moved the car out and left the garage door open.  By 2 pm the grass was dry enough to mow so I did that for 2 hours.  By the time I checked again the skunk was not hiding under the shelfing so that was good news.  I just hope he didn't find another little corner to hunker down it.  I'll be checking for sounds every night now until I know for sure he is out.

Writing all of this down gets it out of my head and my head has just been spinning for a month and a half now.  So many distractions.  So much trauma.  ICU and amputations.  Emergency landings.  Packing and unpacking suitcases.  Flying 5000 miles and driving 1500 miles. Spending $11,751 between Duke and the driveway. That's a lot for a 71 year old widow with no help.

I am tired Lord!  You left me here to shoulder this mostly alone day after day and now I am downhearted.  Lord hear my cry.  If I had an ash pit I would tear my clothes and put ashes on my head.  I try to be brave but I am not.

A Lifetime of Walking With Jesus

A Lifetime of Walking With Jesus

Sunday, May 11, 2025

6:14 AM

Some of us spend a lifetime with Jesus.  We remember knowing Him for the earliest times of life and now that we are old, we know Him as well as we know ourselves.  He has always been that whisper in our ears.  He has always shown His love through protection and guidance.  He speaks through others and speaks through His words in the Bible.  He shows Himself to those who are seeking Him and listening for His voice.

John 10:27 (NIV)

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.

John 10:14 (NIV)

I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—

John 10:16 (NIV)

I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd.

Ezekiel 34:31 (NIV)

You are my sheep, the sheep of my pasture, and I am your God, declares the Sovereign Lord.

John 10:4 (NIV)

When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.

Now that I am old mother, grandmother, great grandmother, and widow I find that I am speaking with and to Him throughout the day.  He is my constant companion now that my husband is gone, and all of my children and grandchildren have moved to other parts of the country.  Life is very different than it was when we were a family jumping from days to days filled with school, sports, jobs, home, family, friends, church and all that goes on in the decades of life.

To be honest there are days when I feel lonely and separated from everyone and everything.  My body, spirit and mind are on my age and knowing the majority of the decades are over and there are only a couple of them left for my lifetime.  It's a strange feeling and strange thoughts thinking about the end of life.  I praise the Lord I am fairly healthy with only some extra pounds, some creaking joints wrinkles, white hair and aging skin.  I am very slow when it comes to home projects, and I love to sit and read as much as possible. 

I was only retired for one year when my husband died in September of 2022.  I was working from home in 2020 due to Covid and then retired in 2021 and took care of him for almost 2 years as his health quickly deteriorated after he took 3 Covid vaccines in 2021.  We know now the shots altered the immune system and he already had a compromised immune system due to 50 years of Rheumatoid Arthritis.  There is a possibility he could have lived more years had he not taken the vaccines but that is now water under the proverbial bridge.  He is gone.  I am 70 years old.  I have to life live alone without my earthly helpmate.  I have a huge learning curve going on at this point in life.

I have been telling everyone that I feel as if I am a 19-month toddler, learning how to walk and talk on my own.  I have 2 great granddaughters that are 21 months old and 33 months old.  The walking and running part they, both have down pretty good.  The talking is coming along with the older one and the littler one is picking up some words.  Both continue to grow in all aspects of life on earth. 

Me, on the other hand, I am slow to learn and slow to move.  Sometimes I am like that defiant toddler that crosses her arms and says, "No! I don't want to!"  

Then Holy Spirit whispers in my ears, "You're doing fine.  Stop thinking you are going to make it through this life change so quickly. It takes time to adapt to a life without your husband and helpmate, the one you spent 40 years of life with.  Why do you think you are going to move through this so fast and not learn the lessons I have for you?"

When I hear Him speak these words to me, I sigh and think of how caring and wonderful He is to me and has been to be for 70 years of life.  He has walked with me when I was a total rebel.  He stood by and protected me when I walked in the world of fleshly sin and earthly ambitions.  He has taught me over an over many lessons and tried His best to instill wisdom and knowledge into me.  He has blessed my children and my grandchildren with the knowledge of who He is and what He does in a life of those who give their hearts to Him.  

Today is Mother's Day and I am at the home of my son and daughter-in-law.  I am thankful that I am still able to drive 150 miles to be with them.  I am thankful they want me for 4 days in their home.  I love them.  I miss my daughter who lives in Colorado with her family but know I will see her soon at a granddaughter's graduation celebration in a month.  I know my children and my grandchildren love me and pray for me.  I know that walking with the Lord is a daily walk just like getting out of bed each morning.  I am thankful beyond measure for the many, many blessings of my life.  It's still a new path and new season of life but I want for nothing other than to be as energetic and able as I was when I was 30 or 40 years old.  

Keep me going on this path you have for me Lord and show me your will for the days ahead.  In your name Jesus, I pray!