To Be Stronger

To Be Stronger

Saturday, August 16, 2025

6:21 AM

 

What a long month and it is only half way through.  Actually, all months seem long these days.  The years are passing right before my eyes since Jerry died almost 3 years ago.  How can 3 years possibly have passed?  Yet here I am.

 

I made it through my 30th year in the Floral Department of the Fair.  Though I do not know for certain if it is 30 years or more.  It could be 32 years since I have Fair ribbons from 1993 and did not start taking flowers into the fair until I was volunteering in the floral department.  But at any rate, 30 years is a long time to volunteer.  At age 71 it is harder than ever to get through the week.  I am so thankful for the other ladies who volunteer with me! 

 

Before the Fair, for several weeks my lungs were bad.  I am not sure what happened, whether it was the dry air with no rain or moisture for almost 2 months, or a build-up of pollen and dust, but I had lots of wheezing going on and my energy level was way down.  I was not sleeping well.  I was not eating well.  I was worn down and very tired.  Daily tasks were a struggle.  After the Fair my body was even worse so I ended up in Urgent Care and was put on a nebulizer to help my lungs.  That had been 3 days ago and at least I am breathing a bit better.  But my strength is gone. 

 

My weight is up almost 20 pounds since Jerry died.  I know much of it has to do with inactivity.  I know much of it has to do with my eating habits.  I know much of it has to do with me not caring about how I look any longer.  I know much of it has to do with age.  I do not know how to get myself back to a point of caring about me.  I need to find strength to go on.

 

2 Corinthians 12:9 - But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

 

Today I could hardly feel any weaker.  Weaker in body.  Weaker in mind.  Weakness is all I feel.  How could I let myself go so bad?  How can I get through the day?  How can I find a way out?  How do I find the Lord's power in me when I can barely walk?

 

I don’t feel depressed but maybe this is the way I do depression.  Maybe it is just another part of grief as I move into this new life that has become such a mystery to me.  Maybe I need to find the new Debra and figure out the path she must take.  Maybe I should move more!  Maybe I should do something, anything, different.  I wish the Lord would show me what the future looks like.  I wish he would speak to me and let me hear him.  I wish he would give me the strength I need to keep going with at least a little bit of joy and happiness.  Thankfulness I do have but joyfulness is lacking.  Lacking a lot!  I am not happy with this Debra who mopes through the day feeling fat, useless, weak, and without strength.

 

Lord please hear my plea for strength for the day.  Strength of mind.  Strength of heart.  Strength of body.