Seeking

It's been a long few weeks.  Actually it's been a long few months.  But if I'm being totally honest it has been a very long 850 days since Jerry died and I was set out on this widowhood path.  This path of living as a single, old woman in the last part of my life on earth. 

I am a person of normal intelligence.  Not too high, not too low.  I am a person who believes in God and the power of this God who is our creator and the creator of all things that exist.  For 850 days I have been seeking the answers on how to live out the remainder of my life which could be anywhere from zero to thirty years.  I still do not have any firm answers but every single day I wake up, get out of bed and breathe for another day.  Seeking.  Searching. Watching.  Waiting.  Listening.  Praying.  Trying to hear just a whisper or see a tiny glimpse of what the divine plan is.  So far there is nothing.

Luke 9:23 - Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

Matthew 10:38 - Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 

Matthew 16:24 - Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

Mark 8:34 - Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

Jesus repeatedly told his disciples and the people that denial is how we follow after him.  When we put others before our own personal needs that is the way to be Christ like.  When we say no to ourselves and say yes to others that is what Jesus is looking for in his people.  Taking up the cross means that we are willing to be there for others before ourselves. No matter how Jesus was feeling on any given day he was there for the people.  To heal them.  To teach them.  To guide them.  To show them there is a better way to live life than grabbing each day for ourselves and putting everyone else second in line.  

We are not all meant to be the Mother Teresa's of the world.  Or the Billy Graham's.  Or the Martin Luther's.  When the Apostle Paul was teaching in Ephesians 4 how to be effective for the Lord he explained that each one of us are a part of the body of Christ, the Church, His bride, His love.  Each one of us is different and here to play a different role in each day.  We are not all mouth's.  We are not all feet.  We are not all the brain.  We are all fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God but we are all entirely different.  Ephesians 4 tells us of the gifts from God that are given out to each of us on an individual basis.  It is up to each one of us to seek the Lord to find out what those gifts are and how we are supposed to be using them during our life on earth.  Once we accept Jesus as our Lord He begins to mold us into the person He needs for the mission.  Seeking, hearing, and knowing are all part of how we attain the wisdom and knowledge of God in our daily lives.

This is my third January without Jerry in my life.  I have tried to learn about fasting this month and what it is like to deny myself certain things.  One year I tried sugar and that didn't last.  One year I tried carbohydrates which also did not last.  This year I thought maybe I could give up food for the majority of the day but I only made it one day.  I'm a mess when it comes to denial of self.

I am in the word of God daily.  I seek Him daily.  I talk to Him daily.  I wonder what His plan is for me for the rest of my life.  I wonder why I can never seem to follow through on seeking Him more earnestly and devoting an entire day to only Him for answers from Him for me.  Am I afraid of what He might say?  Am I afraid of what He might want me to do?  Am I lazy and want to take the easy way?  What is really happening to me and to my life at this ripe old age of 70?

I know I am not the only person seeking answers.  I know I am not the only old believer who wants to know what these golden years hold for me. I know I am not the only mess who seeks Him.  I know for a fact that I will not stop seeking answers for my life and how I can be there for those that I love so much.  I will continue my daily search for answers because I know He has a plan for the rest of my life.

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

TODAY

There is so much going on today.  Actually, so much has been going on for many today's but I have not been writing very much and taking care of the today's as they each came and went.

Today I just got off the phone with a best friend who had a major fall on her face and is suffering the aftereffects of that fall.  We talked about our ages and what we should and shouldn't be doing at our age.  We talked about trusting in the Lord for all things including finances, jobs, retirement and family members that need us at home and not at a job for the majority of our time.  Especially now that we are senior citizens.  We talked about those younger people who should be picking up in the work sector for those of us who have put in our 50 or more years of working.

Today I am thinking about all of the different friends who are having troubles and health issues.  One friend has a husband who took a terrible fall, causing brain damage, and has been in the hospital for over a month and is just going into some kind of rehab center.  He is just starting to eat again but much of his brain function has been damaged.  She is driving back and forth the 150-mile round trip several times a week.

Another friend is taking care of her grandchildren while her son-in-law is battling a heart issue that came out of nowhere while on a hunting trip.  Another has her own heart issues after having open heart surgery earlier in the each.  She has stress from family members who are also having issues from health to substance abuse.  Another one has been diagnosed with Covid again.  Another has problems with a co-worker.  Another has been dealing with a semi-disabled husband for 2+ years now. And another has issues with aging parents who both are showing signs of dementia and a sibling that is useless in their care.

If I sit here and think more, I know that there are so many others who are dealing with struggles, troubles, and issues.  Even in my own family there are relationship issues that are boiling up and over. What do we do?

We pray!  We cry out to the Lord with all that we have for Him to move in ways that we cannot.  We trust in Him!  We know that He is the only One who can turn the bad into good.  Make the wrong things right.  Heal the wounds.  He is the God of the impossible.  He is the only One who can do anything!  We cannot hold on to any of this stuff and need to let it go into His capable hands.  When we hold on to all of this it does us no good and does not allow the Holy Spirit to move.  When we hold onto it all it tells God that we think we can handle it better than He can.  Why would we think this way?  We cannot handle any of the bad stuff.  We fall apart when bad things happen.  

Today I am taking each one of these prayers for my family and my friends and I am laying them each into God's hands.  I can pray that He will fix each and everything for these people because I love them and He said,

Matthew 21:22 (NIV) - If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

John 11:22 (NIV) - But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.

John 14:13 (NIV) - And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

John 14:14 (NIV) - You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

I John 3:21-22 (NIV) - Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him.

I could go on with more scriptures.  Do you think He is trying to get His point across that we need to ask Him and then let Him be God?  

Today and every day I want to learn more and more how to ask for His mercy, His grace, His healing touch, His wisdom to let go of things I can do nothing about and let Him carry all of the burdens for me and for my family and friends. In your holy name Jesus, I pray all of the above and more!  Praise you and thank you for loving us and helping us get through today so that tomorrow is a fresh start!

SEARCHING

I believe that every single person who has a working mind and is old enough to understand that they are a human being here on planet earth, will ask either themselves or others why they were born.  At one point in time they will seek an answer as to why they are here, why they are alive and breathing, and what is the reason for being them being here.  Some will search many years for the answer year after year, sometimes until they die.  Some will find the answer.  Some will hear.  Some will not.  Some will quit asking.  Some will lead others by their own truth of this question.  Some answers will be the correct answer and some will not.

 

Human beings are very strange beings.  Most of want their needs met.  They want what they want and they will kill others to get it.  Some humans are more passive souls and will not hurt others to get what they want.  They might lie and cheat and steal but they will not intentionally harm another human being.  Some will find their answers in a substance that will numb their mind so they do not have to think about life especially the terrible parts of life caused by other human beings or the elements of this globe spinning in the universe that can bring about natural destruction. 

 

Today we live in a world where a majority of the people think they have the right to anything and everything they want.  Whether is be a need, a right, or an opinion it is theirs and no one can tell them otherwise.  If you do not agree with this than you are the one in the wrong.  They will tell you that you have no right to judge them.  You have no right to speak anything other than what they believe.  They will rise up against anyone and everyone who tries to deny them of their beliefs and their morals.  They will not bend or admit there could be another way or that others even matter. They will fight for every single thing in their life.  Fighting in life is not what any of us should want to do.

 

I am a believer that Jesus of Nazareth was God in human form who came to earth to save people from themselves.  I believe he walked the earth for approximately 33 years and told of a way to live life on earth in a peaceful, hope filled way.  I believe he was the Christ, the Messiah spoken of in the books of the Old Testament.  I believe the Bible is the inspired word of God for a world that is evil and sinful.  A world that does not show the peace, love and hope of a Creator that made human beings in the likeness of him.  I believe the books of the New Testament fully show that Jesus was God and that his followers were, and still are, inspired by the power of the Holy Spirit of God.  At this point in my life I have no doubt of who Jesus is and he is who he said he was.