Joy in Chaos

The word for today, from the Lord, is chaos.  I can honestly say that chaos has been very much a part of my life since Jerry died.  I am really not who I thought I was and I am hard time finding out who I am.  The only thing I know for certain is that the Lord Jesus is with me and he keeps pushing me on day by day.  Though I have no idea where he is pushing me to, I know that he wants me to keep moving forward.  Next week will be 10 months of life without Jerry.  I don't feel any farther along in mending than I did 10 months ago when he left.  In fact if I have to admit it, today I feel worse than ever.  My mind and my heart feel no joy.  I feel almost nothing but kind of a numbness.  I can't explain why, just that I don't feel good.

 

I have nothing bad going on.  I am getting ready to head to Colorado for a week and should be excited about that but I'm really not.  It's just another effort to move forward and pretend all is well.  I'm not well and I don't know when I will be well.  I keep hoping that one of these day I will wake up and feel the joy of the Lord in my life.  I will jump out of bed with an excitement for what the day will bring.  For whatever reason there is no excitement for me.  The days drag by one by one. 

 

I know all of this is the process of grieving and mourning a life that is gone.  His and mine are both gone.  What we were is no more.  Husband and wife is no more.  Friend and best friend are no more.  Mate and help mate are no more.  It is a huge change but I truly want to move forward at some point in time.  I just don't know how soon that will happen.  I suppose the more I seek answers the more I will learn about this kind of thing.  It's not like there has never been a widow before me.  It's that this is all new to me.  This is something I have never had to deal with before.  This is chaos and I do not like chaos.  I like things orderly and in a certain way.  I am the woman who loves the ruts she has lived in and does not mind them at all.  Consistency, stability, sameness, is always easy and takes little effort on my part.  I have always liked knowing how I was going to handle a situation rather than have to figure out something new.  But this time I will have to learn or end up going deeper into a world of chaos and grief. 

 

Oh Lord, please don't make me go clear to the bottom of the pit in order to finally look up and see you!

 

Over and over the Bible teaches us how to handle the chaotic situations.  Give them totally and fully to the Lord and praise him for taking it away!  Finding a way to worship and praise in the storm is something you would think I have done before.  I know I have had storms in my life before.  I know I have moved out of the storms and come out with joy in my heart.  I just can't think of any of them right now as this one seems like it is such a huge mountain of chaos and darkness.  I know many others are experiencing the same kind of thing since things on earth are filled with darkness and getting darker.  Many of these people have no faith.  They do not believe is Jesus and his hope and peace.  They do not have anyone to turn to for help.  They are alone.  I am not alone for the Lord is with me. 

 

There may be chaos in my days right now but there is no way this will go on like this forever.  In order to keep my own sanity I will need to find my way out  using the joy of the Lord as my strength.  I refuse to quit and remain like this.  I do not like me when I am like this.  I have been blessed with so much why would I even have these feelings?  Humanity.  It is a curse.  But it is a blessing also since we can find ways to become different and then we can help others who are also experiencing the same kind of chaos in their lives. 

 

I am going to keep trying each day to see beyond the chaos and find the joy for the years ahead.  It has to be there.  It just has to be, since He promised.

 

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

Perfect God - Imperfect People

Perfect God - Imperfect People

Sunday, July 02, 2023

2:28 PM

 

I have been feeling low for almost a week now.  Deep in the depth's of grief for the past 9 months have taken a toll on me.  I try to be normal and optimistic when I am around others but here at home the wall do close in on me.  All of the memories are in front of my eyes moment by moment and day by day.  During these times I search for answers such as, who am I now?  What is in my future?  Why am I so hurt?  Why can't I find any joy or dreams for my life?  Why did Jerry mean so much to me when so many times he hurt me deeply?  Am I going crazy?  What do I have to truly be depressed about?

 

There are far more questions than these but finding answers will not come unless I get a grip on why I am thinking all of this.  Did Jerry keep me so grounded for the past 40 years that I am not a person without him to round me out.  When he found me and the kids I was searching and was a scatter brained woman.  I was seeking a new me back then and I was seeking the Lord with all my heart.  I had found a spiritual connection with Jesus through the Holy Spirit and was moving along that path when Jerry came into my life.  He brought wisdom and security into our lives.  He also brought trouble with his addictions and sins.  Over the years I had to forgive him many times for his adulterous ways but in the end he rid his life of those thoughts and turned his life over to Jesus and repented.  So right now, since he is no longer alive have I put him on some kind of pedestal thinking I cannot move forward in life without him?

 

Yes, Jerry changed my life for 40 years.  Yes, he brought smiles and laughter and goodness into my life.  Yes, for the most part, he was a fine and decent husband and father.  He was a good person.  He loved the Lord and did his best to be a good example of Christianity.  I do think in the end he had forgiven himself for the bad things he had done and knew the Lord had forgiven him also.  I believe he had faith to know he was going to be saved when he left planet earth.  So knowing this why am I grieving so much?  Am I grieving him or am I grieving me?

 

Throughout scriptures we read the stories of those who failed.  Those who did not do what the Father asked of them.  Those who chose their own path and way of doing things.  We understand that our God is the only God who knows all things and makes a way in the wilderness of life.  He knew from the beginning when He created us that we would not be able to tow the line and do right. He knew we would go astray and chose our own path and not His.  He knew we would tell Him "No".  But He also had to have known that we would continue to come back to Him and ask for forgiveness and that we would repent from our selfishness.  When the trouble comes we know it is because of what we have done or haven't done.  The Father never punishes His children when they are doing good and acting rightly.  A Father punishes when the child is out of line and acting in a spiteful, hateful, ungracious, unthankful way.  A perfect Father knows when the child is imperfect in thought or deed.

Why can't we be perfect?  Why are we always making such a mess of things and our lives?

 

For 9 months I have been trying to figure out life for me.  I have nothing to worry about yet I worry.  I have everything I need yet I search for something.  I try and try to figure out what tomorrow will bring even though I am told by Jesus to think only on today and that tomorrow may never even come.  I am told to not worry and to not be afraid yet I worry and feel afraid.  What is it with this totally imperfect brain that causes undo concern?  Why is it when scripture says to "lean not on our own understanding" that I think I can figure out the Lord's understanding of my situation right now? 

 

There is nothing I can do today with changes what happened yesterday or what happened 9 months ago or what happened 40 years ago.  God's perfect purpose is what I need to think about.  Everything and every moment His is watching and moving in our lives.  I have breathed air on earth for almost 70 years and to think that a perfect Creator would not have a plan for all 70 of those years is such an ignorant thing to think.  Belief and faith play such a huge part in who we are and what we think about.  If we believe in a Perfect Creator then we must have faith that He knows exactly what the plan is.  Getting depressed about the plan, because I don't know it, is a very misguided way to think. Either He is God or He is not.  If He is God then let Him lead as He sees fit.  Let the days come and go in the way He intends for them to progress.  Don't go thinking that He is not there or does not care, for a Perfect God is there every single minute for those who has chosen and called by name.

 

Hebrews 13:8 (ESV) - Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

 

Isaiah 43:1 (NKJV) - But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.

 

John 1:12 (NKJV) - But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name

 

I John 3:1-2 (NKJV) - Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! Therefore the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.

 

Galatians 3:26 (NKJV) - For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus.