The word for today, from the Lord, is chaos. I can honestly say that chaos has been very much a part of my life since Jerry died. I am really not who I thought I was and I am hard time finding out who I am. The only thing I know for certain is that the Lord Jesus is with me and he keeps pushing me on day by day. Though I have no idea where he is pushing me to, I know that he wants me to keep moving forward. Next week will be 10 months of life without Jerry. I don't feel any farther along in mending than I did 10 months ago when he left. In fact if I have to admit it, today I feel worse than ever. My mind and my heart feel no joy. I feel almost nothing but kind of a numbness. I can't explain why, just that I don't feel good.
I have nothing bad going on. I am getting ready to head to Colorado for a week and should be excited about that but I'm really not. It's just another effort to move forward and pretend all is well. I'm not well and I don't know when I will be well. I keep hoping that one of these day I will wake up and feel the joy of the Lord in my life. I will jump out of bed with an excitement for what the day will bring. For whatever reason there is no excitement for me. The days drag by one by one.
I know all of this is the process of grieving and mourning a life that is gone. His and mine are both gone. What we were is no more. Husband and wife is no more. Friend and best friend are no more. Mate and help mate are no more. It is a huge change but I truly want to move forward at some point in time. I just don't know how soon that will happen. I suppose the more I seek answers the more I will learn about this kind of thing. It's not like there has never been a widow before me. It's that this is all new to me. This is something I have never had to deal with before. This is chaos and I do not like chaos. I like things orderly and in a certain way. I am the woman who loves the ruts she has lived in and does not mind them at all. Consistency, stability, sameness, is always easy and takes little effort on my part. I have always liked knowing how I was going to handle a situation rather than have to figure out something new. But this time I will have to learn or end up going deeper into a world of chaos and grief.
Oh Lord, please don't make me go clear to the bottom of the pit in order to finally look up and see you!
Over and over the Bible teaches us how to handle the chaotic situations. Give them totally and fully to the Lord and praise him for taking it away! Finding a way to worship and praise in the storm is something you would think I have done before. I know I have had storms in my life before. I know I have moved out of the storms and come out with joy in my heart. I just can't think of any of them right now as this one seems like it is such a huge mountain of chaos and darkness. I know many others are experiencing the same kind of thing since things on earth are filled with darkness and getting darker. Many of these people have no faith. They do not believe is Jesus and his hope and peace. They do not have anyone to turn to for help. They are alone. I am not alone for the Lord is with me.
There may be chaos in my days right now but there is no way this will go on like this forever. In order to keep my own sanity I will need to find my way out using the joy of the Lord as my strength. I refuse to quit and remain like this. I do not like me when I am like this. I have been blessed with so much why would I even have these feelings? Humanity. It is a curse. But it is a blessing also since we can find ways to become different and then we can help others who are also experiencing the same kind of chaos in their lives.
I am going to keep trying each day to see beyond the chaos and find the joy for the years ahead. It has to be there. It just has to be, since He promised.
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
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