Finding Yourself After Loss

It's a very different life after spending 40 years with one person on a daily basis.  This person could be a spouse, a child, a parent, a sibling, a close friend but whomever it was they were there and no they are not.  In many cases it is death but divorce, relationship troubles, and long distance moves also takes them away.  Days are not the same when they were there, you enjoyed having them there and now they are gone.  So what do you do now?

It's been almost 11 month since my husband died.  It's still hard to say that, "He died."  For 11 months, on a daily basis, I have missed his face and his voice.  I have missed the noise he made in the house.  I miss washing his clothes.  I miss seeing him sit at the kitchen table or putter around outside on something.  Things are still the same here at home but they are not the same.  He is nowhere to be found but signs of him are everywhere.

It doesn't hurt so bad today.  I don't cry every day.  I don't feel sadness every day.  I keep wondering what my future is going to be now that I am a widow and a single person when I used to be married and a couple.  I just don’t know but I keep getting up every day and do something.  I don't push myself and think I'm going to figure it out today or even tomorrow.  For 11 months I have just kept going, watching the pages of the calendar changing.  I read a lot.  I write a lot.  I talk to family and friends a lot.  I do the household chores.  I think about past, present and future.  I pray and talk with the Lord all the time.  He listens a lot and Holy Spirit speaks back to me with words of encouragement and wisdom.  

Psalms 46:10 (NIV)

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

As I wait on the Lord for whatever the day holds for me I know He keeps moving in my heart and mind to be still and know that He is God.  Nothing I can do today can change what happened yesterday and no amount of thinking and planning will change tomorrow.  He says to trust Him and I do.  He says to commune with Him and I do.  He says to listen to His still small voice and I do.  He says do not fear so I cannot.  He says do not worry so I cannot do that either.  What I can do is pray for those He lays on my heart and mind today and then really pray for them.  Pray protection for them.  Pray health for them.  Pray love for them.  Pray they hear Him and acknowledge He is Lord of ALL.  Not some, but all.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Am I a different person today than I was at this time last year?  Yes, I am. 

Am I going to be a different person at this time next year?  Yes, I am.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  God knows.  He always has a plan and it is always a good plan for those who love Him and are called His children.  My purpose right now is to listen and learn.  To help where I can.  To love others and to keep moving forward until He calls me home to be with Him.  

Matthew 14:31 (NIV)

'Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” 

For now, I will be able to find myself as long as I keep my eyes on Him.

Perfect God - Imperfect People

Perfect God - Imperfect People

Sunday, July 02, 2023

2:28 PM

 

I have been feeling low for almost a week now.  Deep in the depth's of grief for the past 9 months have taken a toll on me.  I try to be normal and optimistic when I am around others but here at home the wall do close in on me.  All of the memories are in front of my eyes moment by moment and day by day.  During these times I search for answers such as, who am I now?  What is in my future?  Why am I so hurt?  Why can't I find any joy or dreams for my life?  Why did Jerry mean so much to me when so many times he hurt me deeply?  Am I going crazy?  What do I have to truly be depressed about?

 

There are far more questions than these but finding answers will not come unless I get a grip on why I am thinking all of this.  Did Jerry keep me so grounded for the past 40 years that I am not a person without him to round me out.  When he found me and the kids I was searching and was a scatter brained woman.  I was seeking a new me back then and I was seeking the Lord with all my heart.  I had found a spiritual connection with Jesus through the Holy Spirit and was moving along that path when Jerry came into my life.  He brought wisdom and security into our lives.  He also brought trouble with his addictions and sins.  Over the years I had to forgive him many times for his adulterous ways but in the end he rid his life of those thoughts and turned his life over to Jesus and repented.  So right now, since he is no longer alive have I put him on some kind of pedestal thinking I cannot move forward in life without him?

 

Yes, Jerry changed my life for 40 years.  Yes, he brought smiles and laughter and goodness into my life.  Yes, for the most part, he was a fine and decent husband and father.  He was a good person.  He loved the Lord and did his best to be a good example of Christianity.  I do think in the end he had forgiven himself for the bad things he had done and knew the Lord had forgiven him also.  I believe he had faith to know he was going to be saved when he left planet earth.  So knowing this why am I grieving so much?  Am I grieving him or am I grieving me?

 

Throughout scriptures we read the stories of those who failed.  Those who did not do what the Father asked of them.  Those who chose their own path and way of doing things.  We understand that our God is the only God who knows all things and makes a way in the wilderness of life.  He knew from the beginning when He created us that we would not be able to tow the line and do right. He knew we would go astray and chose our own path and not His.  He knew we would tell Him "No".  But He also had to have known that we would continue to come back to Him and ask for forgiveness and that we would repent from our selfishness.  When the trouble comes we know it is because of what we have done or haven't done.  The Father never punishes His children when they are doing good and acting rightly.  A Father punishes when the child is out of line and acting in a spiteful, hateful, ungracious, unthankful way.  A perfect Father knows when the child is imperfect in thought or deed.

Why can't we be perfect?  Why are we always making such a mess of things and our lives?

 

For 9 months I have been trying to figure out life for me.  I have nothing to worry about yet I worry.  I have everything I need yet I search for something.  I try and try to figure out what tomorrow will bring even though I am told by Jesus to think only on today and that tomorrow may never even come.  I am told to not worry and to not be afraid yet I worry and feel afraid.  What is it with this totally imperfect brain that causes undo concern?  Why is it when scripture says to "lean not on our own understanding" that I think I can figure out the Lord's understanding of my situation right now? 

 

There is nothing I can do today with changes what happened yesterday or what happened 9 months ago or what happened 40 years ago.  God's perfect purpose is what I need to think about.  Everything and every moment His is watching and moving in our lives.  I have breathed air on earth for almost 70 years and to think that a perfect Creator would not have a plan for all 70 of those years is such an ignorant thing to think.  Belief and faith play such a huge part in who we are and what we think about.  If we believe in a Perfect Creator then we must have faith that He knows exactly what the plan is.  Getting depressed about the plan, because I don't know it, is a very misguided way to think. Either He is God or He is not.  If He is God then let Him lead as He sees fit.  Let the days come and go in the way He intends for them to progress.  Don't go thinking that He is not there or does not care, for a Perfect God is there every single minute for those who has chosen and called by name.

 

Hebrews 13:8 (ESV) - Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

 

Isaiah 43:1 (NKJV) - But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.

 

John 1:12 (NKJV) - But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name

 

I John 3:1-2 (NKJV) - Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! Therefore the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.

 

Galatians 3:26 (NKJV) - For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus.

Purify My Heart

Over and over this morning the old song "Purify my heart" has been on my lips. 

 

Purify My Heart,

Let Me be as Gold and precious Silver.

Purify My Heart,

Let Me be as Gold, pure Gold.

 

Refiner’s Fire,

My Heart’s one desire

Is to be… Holy;

Set apart for You, Lord.

I choose to be… Holy;

Set apart for You, My Master,

Ready to do Your will.

 

I know the reason for this is in the past week I have not been close enough to the Master and fretting over many different things going on in the world and in my life.  I do my best but I continually fall short.  You would like after walking with Jesus for over 40 years I would be able to keep on the straight path but nope.  I fall short.  You would think that being an inch away from being 70 years old I would stay steady and keep all of my thoughts and speech filled with only goodness.  I fall short.  You would think that after experiencing in the past 5 years the removal of a tumor in my head and my husband dying I would be strong enough to show wisdom, mercy, and endurance to those around me.  I fall short.  You would think that with all of my scripture reading and seeking the Lord on a daily basis that I would have everything in place as far as being a shining example of Christian life. I fall short.

 

I get tired of falling short and then feeling like I am not good enough and I am not pure enough.  I get tired period.  I whine and cry out to the Lord asking why I can't keep on the narrow path?  I want to do better but then I do not do better.  These are the times I know I have no choice but to endure myself and my inadequacies.  I have to persevere on a daily basis to hear the Lord and to walk with him.  The cross is heavy on me some days and only because pile a bunch of cement blocks of my attitude and doubts on top of it.

 

I full well know the scriptures;

 

Matthew 11:30 (NKJV) - For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

 

1 Peter 5:7 (NIV) - Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

 

Psalms 55:22 (NIV) - Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

 

Matthew 11:28 (NKJV) - Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

 

I also know these scriptures;

 

Romans 3:23 (NIV) - for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

 

Hebrews 12:15 (NKJV) - looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.

 

Psalm 43:5 (NKJV) - 'Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope in God: For I shall yet praise him, Who is the health of my countenance, and my God.'

 

I know that getting discouraged some days is bound to happen in this cruel world we live in.  Like I said, I am almost 70 years old and I have seen a lot of darkness and the darkness increases.  I also understand I am still standing on this earth because the Father has seen fit to keep me planted where I am.  Some days I don't see the path clearly because of the tears and my eyes are red from the sorrows.  I also know so many others are on paths that are far, far deeper and harder than my own.  Then I feel the guilt creep in for my whining and pouting. My woe is me attitude.  My words of discouragement not encouragement.  I fall short.

 

So as I move through this day with a song asking God to purify my heart I will watch and listen closely as He removes more of me, creates in me a clean heart, and removes more of the impurities from within me.  I fall short and I am still a work in progress.  I am still a cracked pot in the hands of the Potter.