It's a very different life after spending 40 years with one person on a daily basis. This person could be a spouse, a child, a parent, a sibling, a close friend but whomever it was they were there and no they are not. In many cases it is death but divorce, relationship troubles, and long distance moves also takes them away. Days are not the same when they were there, you enjoyed having them there and now they are gone. So what do you do now?
It's been almost 11 month since my husband died. It's still hard to say that, "He died." For 11 months, on a daily basis, I have missed his face and his voice. I have missed the noise he made in the house. I miss washing his clothes. I miss seeing him sit at the kitchen table or putter around outside on something. Things are still the same here at home but they are not the same. He is nowhere to be found but signs of him are everywhere.
It doesn't hurt so bad today. I don't cry every day. I don't feel sadness every day. I keep wondering what my future is going to be now that I am a widow and a single person when I used to be married and a couple. I just don’t know but I keep getting up every day and do something. I don't push myself and think I'm going to figure it out today or even tomorrow. For 11 months I have just kept going, watching the pages of the calendar changing. I read a lot. I write a lot. I talk to family and friends a lot. I do the household chores. I think about past, present and future. I pray and talk with the Lord all the time. He listens a lot and Holy Spirit speaks back to me with words of encouragement and wisdom.
Psalms 46:10 (NIV)
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
As I wait on the Lord for whatever the day holds for me I know He keeps moving in my heart and mind to be still and know that He is God. Nothing I can do today can change what happened yesterday and no amount of thinking and planning will change tomorrow. He says to trust Him and I do. He says to commune with Him and I do. He says to listen to His still small voice and I do. He says do not fear so I cannot. He says do not worry so I cannot do that either. What I can do is pray for those He lays on my heart and mind today and then really pray for them. Pray protection for them. Pray health for them. Pray love for them. Pray they hear Him and acknowledge He is Lord of ALL. Not some, but all.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Am I a different person today than I was at this time last year? Yes, I am.
Am I going to be a different person at this time next year? Yes, I am.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? God knows. He always has a plan and it is always a good plan for those who love Him and are called His children. My purpose right now is to listen and learn. To help where I can. To love others and to keep moving forward until He calls me home to be with Him.
Matthew 14:31 (NIV)
'Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
For now, I will be able to find myself as long as I keep my eyes on Him.
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