Mediocre Me

The last time I wrote I was sick.  I am sick again.  No doubt from the sickness earlier in the month. Acute viral sinusitis has moved down into my lungs creating a tiresome dry cough that is now into it's fifth day.  I am tired, grumpy, and fatigued.  I am missing more work which places a burden on my coworkers.  I hate letting everyone down.

Why would a person feel guilty for being sick?  There was nothing I could have done to have prevented getting the cold in the first place.  I eat pretty good.  I rest pretty good.  I sometimes take my vitamins.  I have always been a "kind of" and "sort of" type of person.  I have never done anything to the extreme and have always been more mediocre.

Mediocre:  ordinary, average, middling, middle-of-the-road, uninspired, undistinguished, indifferent, unexceptional, unexciting, unremarkable, run-of-the-mill, pedestrian, prosaic, lackluster, forgettable, amateur, amateurish.

It a sad day when you have to admit to yourself you are nothing exceptional.  You are a lot "un" for the most part.

Being sick just brings our humanity and frailty to the top of the pile.  Being sick really makes a person think about life and afterlife.  Being sick brings us to our knees if we are God-fearing.  If a person is not God-fearing being sick must be a real nuisance for them.

I had a friend pass away last month at the age of 62.  He was healthy for the most part, or so he thought.  But a lung and heart disease took his life at an early age.  He got sick in the winter and died in the spring.  We never know when the day to die is upon us.

I had 3 weeks in-between my two bouts with sickness and felt normal.  I am praying my health returns and I will really try to take better care of myself now that I am older.  Notice I put the word "try" in there.  I always try.  I just do not always do it.  That would be mediocre me.

The Future Is Scary When You Get Old

I have been battling a terrible head and chest cold for 5 days now and am an emotional (and physical) wreck.  Nothing is getting done in my house.  I haven’t eaten a good meal in 5 days.  I am tired of coughing, wheezing, and blowing my nose.  I am whining and crying and I don’t care if I am having a pity party for me.  I hate being sick which is probably why the Good Lord has kept me healthy most of my life.

This is not so for my poor husband. He has battled Rheumatoid Arthritis for more than 40 years and it, along with all the drugs he takes, has pummeled his once hearty body.  We don’t talk much about it but I am sure it is very hard for him to remember being the basketball and football jock he was in high school and then the strong, always hardworking man he was for 35 years in a sawmill.

When both of us are not feeling well it is a sad home front.

I am 61 years old and still working.  He is 74 and has been retired for 8 years.  We have been living in our home we built, for over 25 years ago.  It is a 2200 square foot, 2 story home on 2 acres.  We both know we cannot stay here much longer.  We have no family here to help us.  The closest family lives hours away and the farthest lives a plane ride away.  We have no one here to help us so we know the time is coming when we will have to downsize.  We will have to move.

When a person lives in the same place for decades the stuff piles up.  The thought of going through everything is enough to make me sicker.  I have no idea where to start.  Which closest?  Which of the 4 bedrooms?  The garage or the detached 2 car shop?  The little barn?   Oh, heavens, I am a mess just thinking about this.

I know I have to work at my job for another 4 ½ years so I have that amount of time to get this show on the road.  That is if nothing major happens to either one of us.  If there is a major catastrophe then the plans will have to change faster than presumed.

Getting old is really a tough thing.  Not only is it a physical inconvenience but it is an emotional inconvenience.  We don’t want to burden our family.  Our children are busy, busy, busy. Our closest grandchildren are not old enough to help.  Anything we do will have to be hired out when we are no longer able to do anything for ourselves.  All we will be able to do is get dressed, eat and sleep.  The yard maintenance will need to be hired out.  The grocery shopping will need to be hired out.  Cooking might even need to be hired out.  Finances will need to be hired out.

I did find there are companies gearing up for us baby-boomers that are falling apart.  That is good news.  Help is out there if you have enough money to pay for it.  They will come in, access the situation, and tell you what they can do.  There are retirement communities that offer small homes or apartments with little to no maintenance.  For a fee you can get anything taken care of.  I wonder what the poor, old people do in a situation like this.  They have no extra money.  I should probably stop whining and feeling sorry for myself when others have far less in life and life choices.

I hope I feel better soon so I do not have to think about this daunting task that is coming up in my life in the next few years.  Today, I am a wreck, thinking about it.

LIFE IS REALLY HARD SOMETIMES, BUT YOU ALL KNOW THAT!!

I wrote a letter to a friend of mine tonight and thought I would share it with the world.  I know that everyone struggles with many different things all their life.  Some people struggle every day, every year, all the time.  My heart breaks for those who have this kind of life.  No wonder there is hopelessness in the world.  No wonder so many just plain quit.  They give up.  They cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel.  It's a dark, dark world and they do not want to live in it.  Or if they do stay and live in it they want to be an numb as possible.  I get this.  I have felt this way in my life...before I knew the Lord.  Before I found hope, truth, love, forgiveness, peace, and the ability to comprehend what it means to be "Filled With The Spirit of God!"  Since then, I have never been the same.  I have never given up even when my mind said, "Give it up!"  My spirit and the Holy Spirit told me to hang on!  I would encourage you to start by searching out the meaning of the word HOPE!  Never give up hope that things can change, people can change, circumstances can change.  It only take faith the size of a mustard seed (which is one of the smallest seeds on earth) to move a mountain. 

Here is my letter to my friend:

I just wanted to tell you how much I love and respect you.  After ready this blog entry I felt I had to write and tell you that we all have those times we feel "less than", or "not loved", or "why me?", or "this is just BS".  I have struggled through the following trial for months and months now and cannot find a way to forgive...yet.  

Jerry and I just got done with one of the biggest battles we have had in our 32 years of marriage.  We have had legal issues with our next door neighbor who is a crazy person, but sane enough to falsely accuse Jerry of some terrible things and make the court believe her lies.  Yesterday he had to plead guilty to disorderly conduct in order to get the "crime" reduced to a violation.  He stopped her 19 year old daughter's vehicle in front of our house when she tried to run over him as he was mowing the lawn by the private road we share.  Oh, it's a long story and all of the details are not that important.  This happened last August and we just now finished up with the DA's charge.  The initial charge of "stalking" was dismissed with prejudice, so she cannot do this to Jerry again.  We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on legal fees, surveillance equipment, and have had to live right next door to this woman and her adult children who have caused us more grief than almost anyone in our entire lives ever has.  All the time asking God, "What are we supposed to be learning from this? Why would you allow Jerry to be falsely accused of terrible things?" 

For 8 months I have been telling myself, "What doesn't kill me, will only strengthen me."  I don't feel strong.  I feel beat up and I did not do anything.  The stress has taken a toll on our marriage.  I don't want to live in my home any longer.  I don't want to live next door to a real life witch (you can but a big B in front of that word too).  I don't want to forgive her for being a psychotic narcissist.  I am mad that God allowed her lies to be heard and believed by the sheriff, the DA, and the court.  I am not mad at God, just mad that he did not protect Jerry and me from the evil neighbor!

I guess I mainly wanted you to hear my little story to let you know, you and Darin have always been in our thoughts, our hearts, and our prayers.  You have walked a path which seemed to lead to no where.  You felt betrayed and abandoned.  But I know that both you and Darin know, just like Jerry and I know...He never leaves us.  He never forsakes us.  He is always at our side.  He is always working it out for the best.  The evil one tries, but he cannot kill us.  Our lives are in the hands of the One True God who is faithful and just.   We are survivors and so-journers, just passing through this land.  We know we can curl up in the arms of our Father and He will console us and provide for us.  He will take care of us and He does. Time and time again.

But in the meantime, we live as human beings, next to a bunch of other human beings, some of whom are much, much more screwed up than we are.  Jerry and I physically live in the presence of our enemies, right over the fence.  Now I just have to find the will power and ability to forgive and move on.

It is very hard this time.  But this too will pass.  It just seems like it is taking a long, long time.

My love and prayers always and hugs to Darin and the girls!

P.S. If you do not want this comment (uh...lengthy rambling) on here feel free to delete it.  I wanted you to know that right now I am right where you were when you wrote this blog.  I got no ego left!  I am just plain tired of it all. 

No More Clintons

Giving Away Money Is Awesome!

I have spent the majority of the day reading through scholarship applications from upcoming graduates of our local high school.  Tomorrow morning a group of us will meet and go over our ranking and prepare to give $2,500 to six different people.

I have been a part of this organization for almost 25 years.  The first year we gave one $500 scholarship to one young man.  Through the charitable donations of many people we are now giving away $15,000 a year!  Incredible!  And we still have money in the bank for the next round.

This year is the first year we will be giving $2,500 to a post-graduate.  Anyone out of school (having graduated from THS) for 1 year or more is eligible to apply.  We have two applicants for the post-graduat scholarship, a 39 year old and a 24 year old.

If by chance someone reads this and would like more information we have a web page at:

http://www.ths-asf.yolasite.com/

and a Facebook page at:

https://www.facebook.com/THSalumnischolarshipfund?ref=bookmarks

We are always looking for those who wish to contribute to the future of those looking to educate themselves!

I love giving money away to the deserving people who go out and do more for themselves and our world!!

Getting Old

One of the things I have noticed about getting old is that we are all starting the process of getting ready for that one last big travel to home, the final home.  It seemed to me that once I hit 50 years I started thinking more and more about the rest of my life.  How do I want to spend the next 20, 30, maybe even 40 years?  

The object of this whole life experience is to get from point A (birth), to point B (death) without causing too much harm to anyone or anything, and to avoid harm in any way possible by using common sense.  That is my take on life.  But I refused to do it without The Creator in my life.  

I am Christian.  I believe in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  I believe Jesus of the Bible is who he said he was and I believe he can do what he said he can do and will do for those who believe in him.  I figure what do I have to lose by believing like this?  Those who choose not to believe are the ones who had better be sure there is nothing at the end, otherwise they are in a heap of trouble according to by beliefs.  I rarely have doubts but in the rare instance that I question my beliefs, I always go back to the common sense reality that, the end will come and I am choosing the way my own soul has always turned to in the good times and the bad times on this earth.  

So as we move on in years and our travel plans to eternity are coming up in one of the years ahead, we each need to really think about what is important.  For me, my faith and My God are first on the list.  He has blessed my life for all of these years.  He has kept me safe and warm.  He has fed me and blessed me with work whenever I wanted a job outside my home.  He has blessed me with health.  He just has blessed me in every way.  He has blessed me with my husband, wonderful children and grand children and friends and family and coworkers and a church of believers.  I could go on and on about all my years of blessings. 

The trials have been fairly few.  They were handled with tears, anger, restoration, forgiveness, kindness, gentleness, and love.  There was prayer going on throughout each trial.  My God makes the impossible, possible!

I know that if no one ever reads this blog I will have said something I have wanted to say and left it here on this page.  My Father knows what my heart is saying and he knows I try and fail often but he also knows, that I know, how much he loves me.  I am my Father's Child.  For some reason, many years ago he held me in his arms and told me,

"It's okay.  I've got you now."  

I have never and will never forgotten those few, short, sweet words, whispered in my ear.  

So, if you are old enough to start thinking about the next big travel, to somewhere we are all going in the end, you may way to do the research and choose the path that leads to Heaven.  None of us knows all the answers but I hear it will be glorious, beautiful, and everything wonderful.  Sounds good to me! 

BREATHE!

Some days it is just plain hard to breathe.  There is so much going on all around.  In my community.  In my state.  In my country. In my world.  If I did not have my faith to lean on I would be a mess.  I would not be able to cope with all that is happening all around each of us.

There are people we know that are sick.  There are those who have injuries.  There are those who have substance abuse problems.  There are people that cannot choose good from evil.

If I did not have my faith to tell me that this life is not all there is for us, I do not know what I would do.  I choose not to believe that all we do is breathe that  first breath when we are born, and then draw our last breath when we die, and that is all there is.  There is so much more if we try to see the good.

We choose to breathe in the breathe of life and understand that a Higher Power watches over us and guides us by love or we as human beings, choose not to.  This Father, as I like to call Him, is much like a father (or mother) loving their young child.  A parents rarely looses it's love for their child.  My faith tells me that My Father loves me as I am.  I am far from a perfect child, but I choose to love and honor My Heavenly Father.

If I were to tell you one things here in this blog, it would be that it is the open heart that receives the gift of faith, not the mind.  When the heart is filled with the love of knowing there is truly more than this life on earth, the mind will follow as you watch and learn about the Father's love.  It is truly an amazing adventure.  With Him, we can get through the impossible.  We can find peace when there is chaos all around us.  We can breathe!

It's Just Messy in Oregon These Days

Back in October 2014 I was upset with the thought that John Kitzhaber looked like he was going to be re-elected as Governor of Oregon, again.  Oregon is a mess and has been a mess for years and my thoughts are that the leaders in our state are not doing a good job in the most part.  The place is messy.  The state is messy.  Governor Kitzhaber's life was messy with his fiance also in a mess.  I knew there were some fishy things in her past that were starting to come out.

I posted a Tweet on October 10, 2014 stating I thought he and she needed to get out and maybe if they had gotten out he would not be in the middle of the BIG mess going on now, with his own party telling him to resign.  Like I said, messy.

I am not the sharpest tool in the shed but I know enough to call a spade a spade and I also know enough to say something out loud if it needs to be said:

1) I am mad at the State of Oregon for the Cover Oregon mess that just got brushed under the rug.
2) I am mad at the State of Oregon for electing officials that do not care about anyone but themselves deep down.
3) I am mad at people who call themselves Oregonians but do not truly care about the state.
4) I am mad at the media out there that do not report the truth.
5) I am mad that the state I live in is a joke throughout the country.
6) I am mad that the majority of the voters do not vote.
7) I am mad that one city rules the entire state because the voters in Multnomah County vote and they vote for the terrible liberal politicians that we have running our state today.

If I sat here and thought I could probably come up with many more reasons I am mad at Oregon and Oregonians.  It's just like high school all over again with the apathy!  That makes me mad too.  Where did the backbone go?  Where did the pioneer spirit that was birthed in Oregon go?  Why have so many given up on Oregon?

I wish I had some answers.  It's just a mess right now.

For Me, Being Silent is HARD!

I told the Lord and my husband that I would be quiet about politics, the government, the world conditions, and other happenings that have been driving me crazy lately.  This is one of the hardest things ever and it's only been a few days.  I don't know how I am going to be able to be silent about all of this.  It's as hard as staying on a diet!!

I have spent the evening reading about a woman who wrote about her life of poverty and posted it on a blog site.  This all happened in the week and now she is writing full time in a couple of places.  She is writing/working and getting paid to write/work!  Her story is down to earth and true.  It is life at the hardest. It is worth the read and I am happy for her.

I do not think she believes in God but regardless He has opened these doors for her and her family and she is being blessed.  Stories like this are amazing and wonderful.  It's those little miracles in life that can get lost but for now, here she is. Here are links to Linda Tirado's first and second writings on the Huffington Post site.  Well worth your read (please excuse her F-bombs):

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-tirado/why-poor-peoples-bad-decisions-make-perfect-sense_b_4326233.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-tirado/meet-the-woman-who-accide_b_4334428.html

So while I am taking a break from US politics (for only as long as I can stand it without going completely crazy) I will do a lot of reading and hopefully find the positive things that are still happening in our world today.  God doesn't stop blessing just because the government tries to take it all away!

Lost in Politics, But Only for a Season

For the past month and a half I have been on a soapbox on social media sites.  I have always paid attention to what is going on in the political spectrum of our world but just held my tongue.  It was during the government shutdown that my tongue could not be held any longer.  The final straw for me was when the feds said the money for the families of the deceased soldiers would not be available.  Those families were not financially assisted in getting their loved ones home.  The people on food stamps were still getting their money.  The politicians were still getting their paychecks.  The old people were still getting their social security checks.  But the families who sacrificed a son, daughter, husband, wife, they were getting nothing.  I came unglued.

And so it all went from hell in a hand basket from there:

Government shutdown, blaming and name calling on both sides of the House, Senate, and administration,

Roll out of Obamacare, blaming and name calling on both sides of the House, Senate, and administration,

Failure of Obamacare website, blaming and name calling on both sides of the House, Senate, and administration,

Cancellation of  millions and millions of valid health insurance policies,  blaming and name calling on both sides of the House, Senate, and administration,

and all of the other things hashed out, hashed over and beat to death in the media and social media,

and then to top it off Oprah wants me dead because she thinks that all old white people are racists!

I am labeled a conservative Christian.  I do not consider myself over the top or without compassion for all points of view.  I draw the line on biblical sin but will try hard not judge should you choose to live in sin.  God's judgement will be harsh enough on sinners, of which I am one.  I am not a liberal, which I find out is someone who believes the government is here to take care of the people.  I believe God takes care of people first.  I believe we have to take care of ourselves.  I believe we have to take care of each other. Then, once all of that has been done, the government can come in and help.  But from what I understand the liberal mentality puts the government before anything, even God.  This does not work for my mentality.

For forty days I spouted off on Facebook, Twitter and email how mad I was about all that was happening in our nation and to our liberties.  I pretty well ranted and raved about each an everything going on through the day.  It seems like there was something every single day that fired me up and made me want to make sure that everyone else knew it was happening.  I watched as some fired back either with me or against me.  The rest of the people went about their own business, oblivious to what was happening, so I thought.  It seemed to me like most did not care and were not interested in our national woes.

Most of my Christian friends were fairly quiet on the subjects I brought up.  As I think about all of this now I realize that most care but do not know how to respond.  I still think most people do not think they can do anything to change anything.  Most are willing to let it all play out and as long as it does not affect them directly, they will live with it.  As a Christian I know that God has the ability to change all things but He also lets many things happen as they are supposed to happen.  He does not change the outcome of destiny in many instances.  He has given mankind free will to choose and does not intervene in that free will the majority of the time.  He is a God of love but He is also the God of free will whether or not the free will decision is good or evil.  He is not a master manipulator.

So for now I am off the political soapbox and will sit on the sidelines with the rest of the nation and watch things play out.  Just because I am not speaking out does not mean I have quit caring.  I will just pray in the quiet of my own life that one by one the people in our nation will arise and sound the alarm.  We do not have to live in fear of what is coming because God is with us and He does care what happens to us.  All of us! Christian, non-Christian.  Liberal, conservative. Good, evil.  He cares about all of this and all of us.  He doesn't need me to be His mouthpiece even though I thought He did for 40 days.  I did what I thought was right and I am still doing what I think is right.  Sometimes silence speaks more than words.