Part of me is gone and missing forever, at least here on earth. I read that a person who loses a limb still feels that limb. My leg is missing. Half of my heart is missing. The one I was once so passionate about is missing. The person of my dreams is missing. Our marriage had survived numerous trials and now the trials of marriage are over. I am once again single, which I have not been for 60 years. My first child came to me at age 19 along with my first husband. Then there was the next child and the next husband. I always had someone to care for and live with for 60 years and now that has ended. I have to learn how to do this, live alone.
There is no doubt that the Lord is with me and right at my side encouraging me on each day. I do get out of bed in the morning. I do eat during the day. I do clean my house and do my laundry. I do get outside in the yard when the weather allows. I do go through the motions of the day. Every day I seek that Lord and let him guide my quiet day. I know he reminds me that this will take some time to heal and not to rush anything. He assures me that I am doing okay and my fears and tears are his to carry as long as I let him. Honestly, there are some days I want to feel them. I want to hold them and carry them because I want to be mad and upset that this old lady has to carry this alone. I know it's not healthy to be mad at God for putting me in this valley. It's not his fault. I need someone to blame don't I? I'm totally human.
For some reason yesterday I decided it was time to go through Jerry's files in a cupboard and clean it. Little did I know it would take 3 hours and I'm only through one shelf. Most were financial records, medical records, family history records and work related records. But there were several notes and cards that he had held onto for decades. The one that had me crying was a small little note he wrote me in 2006. "You sure were a lot happier 23 years ago. What happened?" Of course I am not a woman of few words so I wrote him back a short book. From the late 1990's into the 2000's we had several huge hurdles in our marriage. But because of God's hand and our perseverance and endurance we managed to stay married. It's another book about all we went through for that decade. January 30, 2006 at age 65 Jerry was involved in a head on collision and his health was never the same after that and only continued to decline for the rest of his life. He was not happy and I was not happy. He was forced into retirement and I continued working full time. We were apart more than we were together and any physical intimacy we had was removed. Jerry was not a conversationalist and I was.
Last night was the first time I actually dreamed about him and I did remember part of the dream. Dena, Chris and I were the only people who could see him and talk to him and that upset him as there were many other people with us. Everywhere we went he tired to get others to notice him and talk to him. We tried to explain to these people that he was "right here" but they assured us we were crazy. Dreams are hard to explain but even though we were frustrated we were thankful for being together. There was some laughter, some tears, some anger from all of us but the love was apparent. When I did actually wake up I thanked God for the dream. Just seeing his face and talking to him in the dream was good. It made him real again which I had not been able to see for the past six months.
Life can be such a strange walk. You can have a decade of joy and then have a decade of sadness. You can have a person in your life for 40 years or 40 days. None of us ever know what tomorrow will bring. God does though. He is the one who knows every minute of every day for every one of us. He is never surprised by any thing or any changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. We are not. We change. We are molded by the Master Potter if we allow him to create us into an image of him cracks and all.
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